我。。。其实很害怕黑。很惊讶吧？我这种外表坚强到很难以相处的人，为什么怕黑？
从小，就常会被噩梦惊醒，四周没人，只有被我在四周摆得满满的洋娃娃。从小，就觉得四周围的洋娃娃可以带给我安全感。它们每一个都有自己的工作岗位，我最爱的会被摆在靠我最近的地方，我不爱的，就只能乖乖的呆在脚下成为我的守护者。 我怕黑，因为它让我非常的无助。
我甚至可以为了逃离黑暗，寻找安全感而作出很多人都无法想象的事。这一点，在我中学时的一个生活营中被我自己发现到的。
当时我们每一个人都被安排坐在一个伸手不见五指的树林里，我害怕得全身发抖，四周静得只能够听见昆虫的叫声。对我来说，其实不只是昆虫的叫声罢了，还有一些更可怕的声音。于是我鼓起勇气，大喊，有人在吗？ 听见队友就在我不远的前方，我这个夜盲摸黑地走到她那一头
两人开心的相拥。 后来，当我被发现不在自己的地方时，我被训了一顿教官后来特地将我的这一段在集会时对所有人说大家的反应开始时是非常的惊讶的，全场一片哗然。
其实教官生气的原因是，我不顾规则，不顾他们的警告私自离开，万一发生不幸，或是失踪，这些都是没有人敢想象的。可是在贬我的话当中，却还是被他们赞了一句勇敢，因为没有人敢在漆黑的环境下行动，只有我。
我当时好想哭，因为对我来说，那并不是我的勇敢，而是我被环境所逼，因为害怕而做出的举动。并不会有人了解我的无助，我很怕黑，很害怕很多事情，因为并不会有人知道黑暗给我带来的恐惧！
黑眼圈
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Live Excellently!
It's been really a long time since my last wrote, it's been very long time I couldn't even set myself free to think, to feel and to relax.Those are something which I am not allowed to do in my current life. I always remind myself, that I have more and more to do, instead of emotionally think of the other matters for my future.
My life is so unsecured, I dare not to sleep in the place where I am not comfortable with, I afraid of one day just after I fell asleep and I could never wake up again. Even in the dream, when I noticed I was in a dream, I called my name repeatedly waking myself up from the fake scene. I need to make my mind clear all the time, I need to pinch myself or even scold myself vulgarly, to make sure my mind is ready for everything. A storm, a thunder or a heavy rain will freak me out especially when I was asleep.
The miserable experiences in my life are not backing me off. The only thing that make myself weak is my own principle, which I will never bow to the golden feces. I don't love money, it is the most evil thing in this world. Money is created because of humans greediness and selfishness. What makes me today, is the ugliness of humans behavior and the stinkiness of money. What is there I could do more for myself? The answer is no, nothing. I must bow to the money, because I want to make a change to my life.
Once, I thought myself is intelligent enough to see through the true color behind the skin, and yes, I am really that capable to do so, but people change. I forgot, everything will change from time to time, both ups and downs change a person to another person. That's enough, I won't ever give a shit on what is right or what is wrong in my life, I want myself back. Mourning for my dead soul, I have been asking myself, why am I doing all these things which I dislike about? Responsibilities tied me over the things which I hate the most.
There are people I should care about, I couldn't run away from them, because of the responsibility. I owe to them, such a heavy word, but that is true. I wish I could live excellently, live for the real meaning of my life. Before I could make it, I must make it happen on the life of everyone around me. I could give up on lipsticks, mascara and branded shoes, just to invest the money on your dream.
What I was always nagging on you is not because I was eating your heart out, I just wanted you to seek of the meaning of your life. I want you to live excellently, don't have to bother what people has doubted about you, just do yourself, find out who you are and who you want to be.
All the responsibilities I have been carrying, is not about praises and awards to ask from you. I willing to carry everything for you, just want you to find out your own life by yourself. To seek out what is the most important thing that you should do now. I want you to be very alert on everyone in this world, just in case if one day, I am no longer there for you, so I am here now to remind you. Go, go for your life, a positive and healthy way which could lead you to a brighter future! I could sacrifice mine for you, just need your cooperation to make it happen. I don't know how much in this letter you would really bear in mind, but I must say before everything is too late.
Do not respect money, materials and power, but respect your own success and be our proud!
To my younger sisters and brother who still have a long way to go in their lives.
I wish they could live better than me, do things they really passion about, and be loved because of their excellences!
Loved
Y'alls 3rd Sis
My life is so unsecured, I dare not to sleep in the place where I am not comfortable with, I afraid of one day just after I fell asleep and I could never wake up again. Even in the dream, when I noticed I was in a dream, I called my name repeatedly waking myself up from the fake scene. I need to make my mind clear all the time, I need to pinch myself or even scold myself vulgarly, to make sure my mind is ready for everything. A storm, a thunder or a heavy rain will freak me out especially when I was asleep.
The miserable experiences in my life are not backing me off. The only thing that make myself weak is my own principle, which I will never bow to the golden feces. I don't love money, it is the most evil thing in this world. Money is created because of humans greediness and selfishness. What makes me today, is the ugliness of humans behavior and the stinkiness of money. What is there I could do more for myself? The answer is no, nothing. I must bow to the money, because I want to make a change to my life.
Once, I thought myself is intelligent enough to see through the true color behind the skin, and yes, I am really that capable to do so, but people change. I forgot, everything will change from time to time, both ups and downs change a person to another person. That's enough, I won't ever give a shit on what is right or what is wrong in my life, I want myself back. Mourning for my dead soul, I have been asking myself, why am I doing all these things which I dislike about? Responsibilities tied me over the things which I hate the most.
There are people I should care about, I couldn't run away from them, because of the responsibility. I owe to them, such a heavy word, but that is true. I wish I could live excellently, live for the real meaning of my life. Before I could make it, I must make it happen on the life of everyone around me. I could give up on lipsticks, mascara and branded shoes, just to invest the money on your dream.
What I was always nagging on you is not because I was eating your heart out, I just wanted you to seek of the meaning of your life. I want you to live excellently, don't have to bother what people has doubted about you, just do yourself, find out who you are and who you want to be.
All the responsibilities I have been carrying, is not about praises and awards to ask from you. I willing to carry everything for you, just want you to find out your own life by yourself. To seek out what is the most important thing that you should do now. I want you to be very alert on everyone in this world, just in case if one day, I am no longer there for you, so I am here now to remind you. Go, go for your life, a positive and healthy way which could lead you to a brighter future! I could sacrifice mine for you, just need your cooperation to make it happen. I don't know how much in this letter you would really bear in mind, but I must say before everything is too late.
Do not respect money, materials and power, but respect your own success and be our proud!
To my younger sisters and brother who still have a long way to go in their lives.
I wish they could live better than me, do things they really passion about, and be loved because of their excellences!
Loved
Y'alls 3rd Sis
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