Taking a deep breathe, finally it comes to an end, though it is heart-wrenching, but from there I learn how to be strong.
I vowed not to cry in front of them, as I knew, I need to take the responsibility of what had gone wrong. From this case, I found out the true colors, that is definitely painful but the damn-est thing is, I never even hate or blame them, although reversely I was accused and blamed on everything.
Yet, from this case, I also found loads of truth where only people we think they wont understand, understand the most. I feel grateful on those people who seldom talk to me, and to be precise they probably dont even know me much, but they always trust me. My tears were dropped for them, the true hearts. People who lay their hands on me when things got really bad, they never talked much, but action did it all.
And I always thought I got a lot of true friends, but now I realized how dumbass I am. I trusted them, but on their side, they never. I am a fake gay, I am such hypocrite until I smile to them to let them know that I am okay. This is a silent case as behind those smiley face, in their thoughts, I am the sinner.
It ends, I fall, and I will be standing up high again. I just need time...
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
The Tormenting Last Week
Received God's words that made my tears dropped totally out of my control..and yes, He is the one who understands me the most! Finally, someone told me to give all my burdens to, I had been carrying them for so long, it's time for me to let go my burdens and my worries to Him. I feel reincarnated, and its Him, who made me so.
WHILE
I was sick for 1 week, I first thought that was because of the supplement that I had just started taking it for 2 weeks, I thought that was the reaction by the supplement. Then I got my body ache for few days, back ache for few days, fever & high fever on and off, and puked, sore throat, then headache like its going to explode anytime. Then, drastically, I sweated like no mama business then I felt so much better after the tormenting 1 week period.
I went to a doctor when my high fever was so serious and everyone think that I should seriously seek for a doctor. Then I got to take 6 kind of medication, and one of them that I think I must mention here is the super strong antibiotic which the doctor thinks is a must for me as my condition was really bad. And the doctor told me, if the antibiotic didn't work at me, I'd better be charged to hospital because I might got dengue. WHAT?! Many people around me suspected dengue on me, as I always get stung by mosquitoes and I was like get attacked by a team of military trained mosquitoes, they would never stop attacking me especially in my office. The funny thing is I was always the only victim. People told me that I must be aware of those mosquitoes as mosquitoes in town are possibly AEDES Mosquitoes.
Sound so serious, but luckily the super strong antibiotic worked on me, I can now bounce here and there like I used to.
WHILE
I was sick for 1 week, I first thought that was because of the supplement that I had just started taking it for 2 weeks, I thought that was the reaction by the supplement. Then I got my body ache for few days, back ache for few days, fever & high fever on and off, and puked, sore throat, then headache like its going to explode anytime. Then, drastically, I sweated like no mama business then I felt so much better after the tormenting 1 week period.
I went to a doctor when my high fever was so serious and everyone think that I should seriously seek for a doctor. Then I got to take 6 kind of medication, and one of them that I think I must mention here is the super strong antibiotic which the doctor thinks is a must for me as my condition was really bad. And the doctor told me, if the antibiotic didn't work at me, I'd better be charged to hospital because I might got dengue. WHAT?! Many people around me suspected dengue on me, as I always get stung by mosquitoes and I was like get attacked by a team of military trained mosquitoes, they would never stop attacking me especially in my office. The funny thing is I was always the only victim. People told me that I must be aware of those mosquitoes as mosquitoes in town are possibly AEDES Mosquitoes.
Sound so serious, but luckily the super strong antibiotic worked on me, I can now bounce here and there like I used to.
Friday, September 17, 2010
The Pet's Story II
My house is completely like a pet's store now! 4 hammies, 2 dogs & 1 cat. Plus the newcomer Bebe the dumpy Shi Tzu, my house is getting more chaotic now. What's your feeling when you wake up early in the morning the first thing you see on the ground is poo and pee?
And all of us had further another skill, which is the skill of avoiding poo and pee on the floor. Tip-toeing and you gotta stop your breath all the way until you successfully across those landmines and arrive your destination. Okay, it might be a little exaggerating but I gotta tolerate with all these!
But luckily, Bebe is just temporarily staying at my place. By the way, he is cute though a little slow and stupid. The fascinating part is, he starts making friends with all the animals in my house including BenDan, the evil cat. We can't help laughing our souls out when seeing them cuddling together and playing with each other.
Pets are troublesome, but no doubt they are good companions in life, bring joys and make our house merrier.
And all of us had further another skill, which is the skill of avoiding poo and pee on the floor. Tip-toeing and you gotta stop your breath all the way until you successfully across those landmines and arrive your destination. Okay, it might be a little exaggerating but I gotta tolerate with all these!
But luckily, Bebe is just temporarily staying at my place. By the way, he is cute though a little slow and stupid. The fascinating part is, he starts making friends with all the animals in my house including BenDan, the evil cat. We can't help laughing our souls out when seeing them cuddling together and playing with each other.
Pets are troublesome, but no doubt they are good companions in life, bring joys and make our house merrier.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
My Scary Experiences and My Body
I dunno why I feel so pissed off when I got to know my cholesterol level, which is higher than normal not to say critical but I am advised to be more aware of my own diet. And every time when I look at myself into the mirror I am agonized by my own body, what's wrong with it? I am never a thin one, but my figure now is much worse than it was. How I wish I could get my old days back...I can't even put myself on my old clothes.
The nutritionist said it is probably due to my diet, sleeping habit, emotion or maybe I was stressed out. All these factor my high cholesterol. I don't really agree with diet as I did control my diet...not very strict but at least I did control a little by not taking much of oily stuffs, I ate a lot of veggies and it is way alot than before. Maybe I am getting older and my metabolism rates went down, but I have tried to cut down many things which are not healthy in my daily diet program unless sometimes I have to attend some dinners. I cut down a lot of my food portion, and I don't eat much lately since I felt something wrong with my body.
I always worried about my body, as I can feel something went wrong already. I dared not to find out the problem but before I went for body check-up, I must make myself at least better than the worst condition of my body. And I put efforts in controlling diet, exercising and taking health supplement.
You must be wondering what makes me think that my body has gone wrong. I don't know if any of you have gone through this kind of feeling when you think of to do something, your brain tell your parts to do it but your other body parts don't really do the exactly is assigned to. This first happened when I was in my secondary, I used to play piano, and I enjoyed playing piano as it is my life. And I forgot when, it happened around 7 to 8 years ago, one day when I was playing piano, my mind suddenly blank-out and my fingers stopped on the keys in the sudden and they were not under my control, not moving for maybe 5 to 10 minutes. I thought I was going paralyzed, and don't know why I cried to myself bitterly at that time. I don't know why would it happen, its like the clock in my brain had stopped working but I ain't a cyborg! How could this be possibly happened on me? By not knowing how, I felt like a mummy who is totally lost on how to nurture her rebellious kids, that lost. That was very scary, I am so fear of this kind of feeling. Like I am going to the heaven in any time.
This kind of feeling do come back at times, and I could feel myself is moving and thinking slower compared to year ago. Does this mean I am getting seriously older? I dared not tell anyone, even my family as I know they will think that is not a big deal at all. I don't wanna make them think that I am a paranoid. But that had make me a little phobia of playing piano. Then finally, I had my body check-up, everything is quite fine, but some old people's problems, cholesterol and too much consumption of protein.
If all those scary experiences were caused by my cholesterol and protein, it is considered not so scary after all. At least they are something I could maybe work out on it myself, dont have to go through surgery. Thank God by the way, I am still considered okay, will take good care of myself, I swear!
The nutritionist said it is probably due to my diet, sleeping habit, emotion or maybe I was stressed out. All these factor my high cholesterol. I don't really agree with diet as I did control my diet...not very strict but at least I did control a little by not taking much of oily stuffs, I ate a lot of veggies and it is way alot than before. Maybe I am getting older and my metabolism rates went down, but I have tried to cut down many things which are not healthy in my daily diet program unless sometimes I have to attend some dinners. I cut down a lot of my food portion, and I don't eat much lately since I felt something wrong with my body.
I always worried about my body, as I can feel something went wrong already. I dared not to find out the problem but before I went for body check-up, I must make myself at least better than the worst condition of my body. And I put efforts in controlling diet, exercising and taking health supplement.
You must be wondering what makes me think that my body has gone wrong. I don't know if any of you have gone through this kind of feeling when you think of to do something, your brain tell your parts to do it but your other body parts don't really do the exactly is assigned to. This first happened when I was in my secondary, I used to play piano, and I enjoyed playing piano as it is my life. And I forgot when, it happened around 7 to 8 years ago, one day when I was playing piano, my mind suddenly blank-out and my fingers stopped on the keys in the sudden and they were not under my control, not moving for maybe 5 to 10 minutes. I thought I was going paralyzed, and don't know why I cried to myself bitterly at that time. I don't know why would it happen, its like the clock in my brain had stopped working but I ain't a cyborg! How could this be possibly happened on me? By not knowing how, I felt like a mummy who is totally lost on how to nurture her rebellious kids, that lost. That was very scary, I am so fear of this kind of feeling. Like I am going to the heaven in any time.
This kind of feeling do come back at times, and I could feel myself is moving and thinking slower compared to year ago. Does this mean I am getting seriously older? I dared not tell anyone, even my family as I know they will think that is not a big deal at all. I don't wanna make them think that I am a paranoid. But that had make me a little phobia of playing piano. Then finally, I had my body check-up, everything is quite fine, but some old people's problems, cholesterol and too much consumption of protein.
If all those scary experiences were caused by my cholesterol and protein, it is considered not so scary after all. At least they are something I could maybe work out on it myself, dont have to go through surgery. Thank God by the way, I am still considered okay, will take good care of myself, I swear!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
I hope he will be fine there
I never wanted things to come to this stage. Making decision like this is very hard for me, been repeatedly asking myself, if this is the right decision to be made, wondering and pondering, I even was imagining the worst scenario and the best sweet situation that would probably happen on today. Waiting and panicking, I prayed for the best and prepared for the worst; this day came finally. I think this is probably the cruelest decision I have ever made, but what could I do when I know that was the best way out of all the worst.
I sent my brother to youth centre today, not by myself of course, but three strangers who were paid to sent him there. Me and my mom were told not to be there as all of us know that our attendance there would interrupt the process of 'sending' him to the rehab centre. My brother, from his very young age up to today, was always a naughty one. He became very rebellious especially on his adolescent age, a real troublemaker who has raised sorts of problem that mentally harassed us.
Stealing, fighting, playing truant, bullying weaklings, vandalising, participating triad, all kind of things that qualified a bad boy could be found on him. How could we endure with this kind of kid? he is only 15! We always thought that he will one day grow up and feel guilty of what he had done. We have tried many different ways to cope with him, with care, love, restriction and everything one could think of, but none could cure.
I think the most pathetic thing is not because of the ways we have tried very hard didn't work, but no matter how hard we tried, he couldn't feel the love we showered on him. I seek for advices, and everyone besides me strongly agree with my decision of sending him to centre. That is the only way, looks cruel but that will make him a good man in the future and not a piece of trash. He used to respect and love me, but I know he is probably hating me now. No tears were dropped, but I couldn't explain the feeling of lost when I was sitting on the couch, all kind of feelings were in a riot, deranged my mind.
I hope when the next time I see him, he will be much different and become a real man. All of us hope so, I truthfully hope the outcome won't turn out worse.
I sent my brother to youth centre today, not by myself of course, but three strangers who were paid to sent him there. Me and my mom were told not to be there as all of us know that our attendance there would interrupt the process of 'sending' him to the rehab centre. My brother, from his very young age up to today, was always a naughty one. He became very rebellious especially on his adolescent age, a real troublemaker who has raised sorts of problem that mentally harassed us.
Stealing, fighting, playing truant, bullying weaklings, vandalising, participating triad, all kind of things that qualified a bad boy could be found on him. How could we endure with this kind of kid? he is only 15! We always thought that he will one day grow up and feel guilty of what he had done. We have tried many different ways to cope with him, with care, love, restriction and everything one could think of, but none could cure.
I think the most pathetic thing is not because of the ways we have tried very hard didn't work, but no matter how hard we tried, he couldn't feel the love we showered on him. I seek for advices, and everyone besides me strongly agree with my decision of sending him to centre. That is the only way, looks cruel but that will make him a good man in the future and not a piece of trash. He used to respect and love me, but I know he is probably hating me now. No tears were dropped, but I couldn't explain the feeling of lost when I was sitting on the couch, all kind of feelings were in a riot, deranged my mind.
I hope when the next time I see him, he will be much different and become a real man. All of us hope so, I truthfully hope the outcome won't turn out worse.
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