Shwu Zhen's

Merry Christmas 2011

2011-12-03T08:47:00.000-08:00

"God always see ordinary people that looks average for the mass but perfect in His eyes. I love Him for He sees me a different and excellent one when most of the people in this world never. Where can I find someone like Him, who knows everything about me, even the embarrassed one, sometimes I make mistakes but He forgives and loves me first before I was born to this world." I thank you Jesus, for your sacrifices, for your precious blood that shed on the cross just because you love me. Thank you, my Father in heaven, your love and your sacrifice moved a lot of people in this world. You are my God, I trust you my Lord. Amen!

December.. December, it's a joyous month as December is a month where every people around the world celebrate Christmas in remembrance of our Lord Jesus. Though a lot of people celebrate it just for the sake of fun, but soon they all will know what is it all about! You were born to die for us and to rise from death again.That is the greatest love of all, no other, not about Santa Claus, but You!

Looking forward to all the great things that going to happen in my future days!~Because you were born, I am saved and forgiven!Last but not least, Merry Christmas 2011, world!

Taken 2010, Portuguese Settlement, Melaka.

My Life in My Town

2011-11-15T03:23:00.000-08:00

Its almost year end,been such a long and windy year. I fall down, I cried, I found my comfort, and I walked on. I am 23, and now the sealed memories suddenly knock my head with its dusty hand, asking me to look back on those times. I miss those old days, badly. Sad to know that all those people could only be one of my memories. How could I do to break the awkwardness and bring back the chemistry?

Saw rainbow in the town, I always get overwhelmed everytime I see it, it brings good feeling to me. Beautiful creation of God, I see hope from there. Though life is hard, but God will never fail to encourage us with hopes. So excited when I saw it, my friend stopped her car at the busy road side and let me snap some photos of it. Those uncles and aunties must be very mad at me, but why frown when life isn't that hard after all?

Muar is such a lovely place, though sometimes big news does happen, though sometimes got ah beng ah seng and Mat Rempit race their motorbike here, though sometimes those loaded uncles aunties fight against each other violently, though ah long and bukies gather in this place, but I see her cuteness, I still love her as my homeland.

I am so gonna do something for my company since I have just done with those annoying projects.Need an ideal work studio, need a good helper, need to settle down my company and I need to take a break and go travel! There are so many to-dos tapping feet restlessly queuing in my long awaiting list. Oh God, and I sneaked out to blog here!

My Temporary work space.I am loving it.

Lastly, (crap)I dreamt a dream, my housemie get married at her 26, that was a clear scene and I could still remember vividly the groom's face. Got up in the morning with smile on face, if this thing is going to happen after 3 years, I should then squeeze my brain juice and think back all those prophetic dreams I dreamt before, probably save some lives..=)

EAT PRAY LOVE

2011-10-10T11:30:00.001-07:00

"I feel bad to see my best friend is not doing well in the other end. I feel bad when I realized that I didn't do anything to make her feel better."

Been so long since my last entry. Now it recalls me, the purpose of blogging for me was to make myself think that I am pathetic. And I realized that, those are redundant feeling that one should have. And now I find myself stuck in this writing traffic and I don't know what to write about realizing that I am feeling better that I don't think myself is pathetic and trap myself in that kind of melancholy anymore. Because I have lost the goal of being a pathetic blogger, so I am stucked. Funny huh?!

I hope that girl I cared about read this, because I am going to write her a grandmama story. I know that she is going to blame me for causing her insomnia in the coming one week and I hope one week is gonna be enough for her to let go of my murmurs.Haha!

EAT PRAY LOVE

This is a book written by Elizabeth Gilbert, is a book where I think it suits you so well because when I looked at you, you brought me back to the scenes from the words.

You are just like her, lost and thought that it was what you should do. You did things just to reach others' expectation. There's actually another you dwelling inside your mind, telling you that you still have your dream to pursue. But in reality, you backed off because of the another you living in the city think that "no, it is life."

And let me tell you the truth, if you don't step out for yourself, you will need to bear the fruits of it even if it tastes bitter, you still have to swallow it. You yourself know it well, you hate your life now. And you knew that you have to face all these things because you chose it. Do you really wish to continue this kind of life and continue blaming yourself and live with regrets after 10 years?

Everyone lives in this world are for different mission and for different purpose. Let me tell you another truth, many people are seeking for the answer about the meaning of life, but they will only figure out when they are about to rapture. We must live on, and live our life fullest because the meaning of life itself is for us to taste, for us to learn how to let go of sadness and the darkness side of us. Life is a very long battle, you can only have the victory after you able to leave every emotion behind and live on. Then you will find out that those negative thoughts and emotions are just something so tiny because more battles are coming, what for you stay in that small tiny part and keep telling on people how hard is your life if you never moved on? Everyone tastes the same thing, because that is the meaning of life.

So give yourself a break, seek for the long-lost joy. Have a cup of non caffeinated coffee, open up the seal and read the book that I will send to you sooner. I believe that you will like it!

*P.S. Still looking forward for your coming!

With Love.

Me ROAR!

2011-03-30T05:26:00.000-07:00

I feel myself just like a lion cub which too used to be straying around downtown. nature is still nature for I won't go too far from who I am supposed to be. I am not tame, just not wild enough. I roar too, just not loud enough. What am I really doing now is to survive.

I am still fresh and timid, even a cat will beat me down anytime they want to. Falling is just the beginning of every success. As all the wild kids need to be trained wild from real battles. So I believe that one day, I will be standing on the peak and roar as loud as the world could hear.

I wont bite and I wont avenge. The day I become strong and tough will be the day I return to my kingdom. Returning home is not a dream, but a mission. Struggling hopping and roaring, one day I will be there to be put the throne on. My shield will he called Wisdom and my sword will be named Courage. I believe that God always has His plan on every outstanding ones. Thanks!:-)

What else is yet to come? Bring it on!

2011-03-07T16:56:00.000-08:00

God will open a big door for me, before that, I have to face everything that troubles me. This small town is my training ground. If I couldn't face the small people in this small town, then I am not ready yet to step into the big door.

From what He promised, from His message that motivated me to stay and to face those criticizes and to learn the people. I need their accusations and criticizes, so that I could learn and step forward faster to reach my door. I believe when the day come, I will be an excellent one. He raised me up, and taught me when I was lost and miserable. I felt so much relieved from His words, peacefulness is what I gained from Him when my life is so chaotic. With my utmost gratitude, I want to say, thank You!

What else is yet to come? Bring it on!

Blog with iPhone!!!

2011-02-18T13:55:00.000-08:00

I am actually working but due to the 'Ideas Deprived Syndrome' that I'm currently having now, I decided to do something to kill my boredom.

Although I did complain and whine a lot about my phone. But I think that is reckon caused by the bad experience of getting it which make me felt so awkward. Btw I start liking it as iPhone is quite something. Its giving me a lot of fun and experimental attempts. I like this kind of device which I could actually explore a lot of fascinating functions so I won't get bored.

So, I am trying to blog with this phone to see if it works. At first, I couldn't type anything on the content column, after umpteen attempts, I found myself a little stupid as no matter how awesome this device is, it is still a friggin phone!! Grrrgh......! But this failure doesn't stop me. I download an application called 'iBlog', that actually allow me to blog!

and TADDAHHH! here I am blogging with my phone!

However, picture posting for Blogger is not available yet, which is the disappointing part of it. But it will soon release in the future I believe.

In a nutshell, it's cool and easy to blog with this application on iPhone! Thought of posting some pictures but it seems could only be seen on the next entry.

chiaoz!

P.S. I love iPhone!

I am long-winded, and I wanna complain

2011-02-16T20:49:00.000-08:00

AND I just realized that today is the last day of Chinese New Year, and I didn't really enjoy this festive this year. Why is it when every time people happily celebrating with a lot of fun and meaningful gatherings and activities but I got knocked by the works and troubles? Seriously 'potong steam' lorh!

Attending a talk on 12th and 13th March at Johor Bahru, held by my Taiwanese friend, is also a tutor of mine titled, 'From Good to Great!' . I hope that talk will really motivate me into a greater one. LOL. Who is interested can always contact me.

The ticket price is RM 300 per person, inclusive of accommodation and meals.

Got myself an iPhone 4, and I thought I would never get this phone, but then I bought it. That is a spell, definitely a spell and it hits me. I waited for 3 months plus, and finally I got it from Mac City, Melaka. Then run here and there, swayed here and there to sign contracts, convert my current maxis plan, take cash from ATM (because my card failed to work for me, damn it!)After 5 hours, I finally got that. That really irritates me, walking under the sun, from mall to malls to get that shit done. And I gotta tolerate with all that, because that is an 'iPhone', no jokes okay!

Had my pre-valentine's day dinner at Movida, is a very nice restaurant with good service and super yummy food, the only bad thing is the environment, smoky like a heaven-wannabe! I love heaven for sure, but not smoky heaven and I believe heaven is clean and wonderful with fresh air!

and YAY, I got an iPhone......

That is the shit thing about it but what to do, its an 'iPhone'!!!

Chinese New Year and the Engagement Dinner

2011-02-09T23:02:00.000-08:00

This year is the most boring, most surprising and also the poorest Chinese New Year ever!

Less Ang Pow from aunties and uncles this year, guess it was because of the economy and political crisis in country. But heard that they rode on plane and had flied to other country for Chinese New Year, where the place has better Chinese New Year ambient than Malaysia. Although its true but I was hoping to get more Ang Pows to cover my losses. Damn it!

I was like giving my money out to people smiling damn like a 'Chai Shen Ye" (God of Prosperity), used up my luck and I am feeling so broken. But since it only happens once in a year, and I told myself: It's okay, those are the 'suey' money which I don't really need them! FML

Then 2 good news!!

Gong xi Siu Lai and Jun Jun, my lovely Uni croonies! They are walking down to the aisle soon! I like to join them for tournament always, but not for this 'Wedding Aisle Cup'. God, they are digging their own graves--- Marriage?!! Are you seriously serious with your seriousness??

Just my drama, but I truly hope both of them could live happily and superglue with their hubbies so closely forever!!!

Kelly: Both of us will be getting old and become old spinsters one day, Sob Sob Sob....T.T

Their engagement rings

Brother Jitt knees down for Liyuen, so sweet!!

Oww, manisnyer!

Going-to-be bride put the ring on the Going-to-be bridegroom's finger.

Cross Arms Toast!

The couple

Four of us!! I look drunk =.=

The brothers of Bridegroom and the sistas of bride. * and the fat arm of me* T.T

Lastly, message to Brother Jitt,

be my Siu Lai's lifetime companion, don't ever make her feel lonely. Grant her the best you could provide, understand her feeling so that you will not hurt her. Every woman needs a man who will never let her down; a successful man is not to judge from how successful he is in career with uncountable wealths or social status, a successful man provides trust and security to his woman so she could rely on him and lean on him. Hold her hand tight and walk through every obstacles in life. I pray for both of you a good future, and I pray for your marriage. Hold the hands and grow old together, LALALALlalalala!

Ramona and Beezus

2011-01-25T23:04:00.000-08:00

Movie that I recently watched, RAMONA AND BEEZUS. How I find it a nice film? I would say, it brings a lot of surprises to me as a viewer. It keeps us brainstorming what will happen next on the super extraordinary girl, Ramona. It also brings us a lot of our childhood memories. I was once a Ramona, and I guess a lot of you was like Ramona, a troublemaker and cause riot wherever she goes. Full of fantasies and inborn comedy actress.Haha.

Selena Gomez as Beezus and Joey King as Ramona. Look at Selena, she is so beautiful.

It is also the best bedtime story.

Beezus: Who could ever love a girl named Beezus?!

Ramona: Jesus?

Love every scene in this film, is a "must-catch" movie for everyone. Not only a comedy, but a warm and "happy ever after" awesome life portrayed story. Want to know more about its awesomeness? Catch it now!

一条每个人都不该走的路

2011-01-22T01:08:00.000-08:00

怨这个社会黑暗，所以所做的每一件事情，都是逼不得已的。有这种想法的人，其实还好，至少他们还知道自己所做的一切，是违法的，是错的。只是在替自己找借口。

对，是，没有错！这个社会很黑暗，我们生活在一个明争暗斗的社会，应该保护人民的人，却是最迫害人民的。应该奉公守法的人，因为这世界的黑暗，选择赌一赌自己的性命。我听他们说，私会党，黑社会，他们所谓的帮会，才是帮助人民解围的。是这样吗？走私水货，贩毒，高利贷，都是解救人民的做法吗？我那天狠狠地丢了一句话：“不要跟我谈黑社会，他们已经不是人了。”虽然也觉得自己说得太重了，但我不得不这样认为。因为我的生活，就是被这一切所摧毁的。

或许，从前的帮会，真的是讲义气，为弱势讨回公道的。时代变迁，曾经不谈利益的帮会，变得只谈利益。曾经为的是持强扶弱的帮会，现在为了帮助你渡过难关，放高利贷。为了帮你减轻压力，教唆你服用毒品。为了帮助你不被父母责骂，替你掩盖你所犯的错，因为那叫做义气！

我不能说每个私会党员都是这样的，但发生在我身边的，就是这样。若只是个人认为不服气，想去替朋友讨回公道，那种心态，至少是单纯的想帮助朋友。挂着自己帮会的名字替别人出头的人，他们也非常的单纯，因为他们是一群被利用的小跑腿，来替帮会招收会员，打响名声。为的只是利益。

他们荼毒中学生，利用他们想要惩威风的心态，玩弄一些课题，比如，为华人争一口气，不向政府势力低头，或是，能更快更轻松得到很高的酬劳。鼓励他们加入私会党，当这些思想不成熟的青少年得到了一点甜头或帮助，觉得他们很讲义气，便会更积极地为帮会付出，甚至放弃学业。

这一些青少年，都是属于患有过动症的青少年。他们很容易被摆布，被利用，也非常容易误入歧途。在我身边，就有好几个这样的例子，他们都是被荼毒的。无论你怎么劝，他们就是有他们自己一套的想法，认为他们没错，错的是这个社会。我只能说，像这样的青少年，只能够待他们自己踢到铁板，或是被人摆了一道后，得到自己的后果时，才懂得后悔，想要回头。如果踏得并不深，还能够回头，但若不能够醒觉而越陷越深，这就是一条他们永远都得不到快乐的不归路。

不要认为是别人害自己走上这条路而痛苦，想一想最当初，是什么让他们无法回头。答案往往都是，自己的选择。当我们还能选择自己要走的路时，请想一想后果。不要怪罪他人，不要认为是别人的陷害，面对自己。这样，就算曾经做错过让自己懊悔，当我们选择去面对时，那颗心，就已经得到喜乐了。

我们生活在这样的一个社会里，不仅仅是大马，全世界各地都有同样的腐败。但做人嘛，别总认为这个社会很丑陋，所以自己才会变得这样。请想一想，因为有这种想法的人，才会有越来越多心里充满怨恨的人及贪图利益的人，这个社会才会越来越腐败。推崇腐败的，不就是自己吗？这是一种恶性循环，父母认为，犯法是因为逼不得已，孩子就会认为这一切都没错。那我们的下一代，会有光明的一天吗？抱着赤子般的心，面对这个社会，只要相信这世上好人还很多，适当地提防，不怨不恨，我们的心自然能够得到平静。我们活着，难道就只是为了那一口气吗？为了自己，为了下一代，别再走错路了！

献给：

家人及朋友。

祝福。

My childhood dreams (not really) but miscellaneously crap

2011-01-20T21:45:00.000-08:00

Randy Pausch (October 23, 1960 – July 25, 2008)

"You just have to decide if you're going to be a Tigger or an Eeyore"(Pausch).

Well, I would say, I have both Tigger and Eeyore in me. It depends on what kind of situation I am in. Most of the time, I am a Pooh. Can I say like that ar?

I watched this clip couple years ago, and I have almost forgotten this man. This is a very right timing, that this clip appeared to me again today. Because I was thinking about my life this morning while I was showering. I thought a lot this morning, about my life, my work and everything that I dreamed to have it but it never happened by me.

In life, in the past of the 23 years, I have done nothing, although I thought of doing many things but all failed. This is devastatingly happened again and again in my life. I am a dreamer, I often dreamed of a lot of strange and outrage things. I used to be a troublemaker since I was little, and I used to be a debater since I was able to speech. I was a different kid, I destroyed toys, I asked 100 of questions a day, I fell down almost every week and I was the main character of every embarrassing incident in my childhood life. I was being boycotted by my same ages and my sisters, nobody sees me as a splendid kid, but I see myself a different one. =)

They laughed at me, thought I was a weirdo. Yes, I was. Because I used to act and say something weird and funny. That was my childhood, with anger, tears and silence. My companions are always me and myself, I always believe that I will be a different one, so I never got upset because of their 'green eyes' on me. One thing I found myself good is, I always know how to comfort myself with Ah Q's, because I am a Chinese!

BUT NOW

I think I have slowly forgot who I wanted myself to be. I have become someone that I couldn't even recognize myself. This is bad. I don't know if that was because I forgot my dreams, or I have just realized that sometimes, we just have to do less to make our lives happier. Nehh I don't wanna be a superwoman or a billionaire, I just wanted to be a person with wisdom and good thinking. But what have I done?!

I must start doing what I wanted to do all these whiles. I want a change in my life, there's no rooms left for me to waste more time. Been thinking of quitting, then I think I should plan and do it right away. I wanna be a Tigger now, don't stop me. Haha

A Designer

2011-01-13T00:08:00.000-08:00

Designers are still design-ners and they are neither superman nor superwoman.

10 Things That Designers Can't Do ( Basically talking about myself)

1) Think less

Undeniably true! Designers think a lot in both logical and illogical ways. Because they have a lot of pictures in their minds, perfect ones and imperfect ones (because they tend to seek for the perfection from the imperfect thingy). They could be very paranoid sometimes when they feel something go wrong.

2) Sleep well

Because they think too much, so they cant really get to sleep very easily when suddenly some ideas pop up in their minds. There has no such thing of 'no works after 6pm' for designers, because they are working every second except when they are sleeping dead.

3) Not to get blamed

They are just barely an human-shield. Used to prevent the penetration of weapons, they are always the middle one, good tool to be used while having misinterpretation with clients. So basically, designers have bad reputation in anyway. However, they are probably the useless shield ever as they cant stand to get blamed too much. They are made by flesh for Goodness sake!

4) Work on time

Designer can't work when u ask them to work. They work when they have ideas of how to work.

5) Get up on time

They work all the time, even when they are sleeping, they could dream their ideas too. So don't ever think they sleep too much, because they can't rest much too!

6) Being myself

Designers sometimes, for living, they bow to reality, that they could only do what people request them to. And most of them time, they didn't even know the definition of design and the job scope of a designer. Sketcher or painter probably?

7) Tolerate with ridiculous situation

What is the ridiculous situation a designer could never ever bear with? Answer is, when the concept was Japanese and end up become African. Ridiculous not?

8) 'I'm ok!'

Designer is not hypocrite people, they can't tell you that they are okay when they are actually not. The most they could tell is, 'I don't wanna talk anymore! ' Fuhhhyoor!

9) Tell the value of their works

Designers hate it when people ask how much does the sketch costs. And they hate the most while people exclaim:" Walao, why so expensive?!" Please note that, there has no market price for design, your quality of life is the thing that matters.

10) Stop thinking of quitting their jobs

Thing that will always come to their mind is, ' I have had enough, I want a quit!'

ARRRRRGHHH!~

All Good Things

2011-01-06T20:29:00.000-08:00

Caught a movie, 'All Good Things'. This film was inspired by the most notorious missing person’s case in New York history since 1982 to 2000.

ALL GOOD THINGS is a love story and murder mystery set against the backdrop of a New York real estate dynasty in the 1980s. Produced and directed by Andrew Jarecki (director of the Academy Award-nominated doc Capturing the Friedmans and producer of Catfish). This film was inspired by the mysterious unsolved missing person case happened between Robert Durst, scion of the wealthy Durst family and his wife. Mr. Durst was suspected but never tried for killing his wife Kathie who disappeared in 1982 and was never found. The film stars Ryan Gosling, Kirsten Dunst and Frank Langella as the powerful patriarch, and captures the emotion and complexity of this real-life unsolved mystery (extracted from http://www.magpictures.com/allgoodthings/).

Robert Durst, the main character of this true story was suspected suffering from Schizophrenia, and was believed it was because he witnessed his mother's suicidal when he was little. Where he found himself not guilty on the disappearance of his wife, and the dead of his best friend and his next door folk. The only thing that he admitted at was, he did not kill his next door folk but unintentionally caused him dead to self-defense while he was attacked by the folk. And he only found himself guilty on the wrongful of dismembering the body instead of lodging police at first.

I dug out the story behind the film after watching it, as it was a true story. I was curious to know how Robert Durst look like, and also his wife. Although it was a little creepy when I found out more and more, but that reminds me of some people around me. Defend themselves innocently and find a lot of excuses that prove themselves innocent and act a lot to convince people that they had never done so. This is driving me insane, I don't know who to trust, and I don't wanna accuse them wrongly. Scared that I will also be trapped into the Schizophrenia symptom.

So, God, only You know the truth. I believe that You will reveal the truth one day, as I am Your child, You will let me see things crystal clear, so that I will learn. Thank You Lord, for letting me see some true colors, so that I learn how to cope with the worst situation, under Your arms, I learned how to be strong. And God, cure the broken hearts, for only You, the one and only God who could cure. Make them know the greatness of You, understand You and love You. In the name of Jesus, Amen.

01012011

2011-01-01T00:50:00.000-08:00

01012011

Slept at 5 plus in the morning and got up at 7 something again as I need to welcome the coming of this brand new year and also to welcome the presence of God into my new life. I looked into window and welcome the presence of God, and I prayed.

Regarding the prophecy on me, 2011 will be a very tough year for me. I should take everything easy and take everything as message which God gonna let me know. I believe God has His plan for me, tough time over are to make me stronger. I shall give it all to Him, for He is the only one who could help and to rely on.

I thank God for the blessing on me. The end of 2010 doesn't write the end, but its another beginning of my life. Full of challenges and hardships yet I believe everything will be just fine for He, will be looking after me and bring me thru every obstacles.

For my loved ones, and people around me,

Please forgive me, if I ever done anything that hurt your feeling, and my mistakes that brought you into chaos. Please forgive me for what I have said and done that is not truth and emotional. I appreciate you all, the true loves.

背着乌龟壳，马拉松式地，我在绷跑着！！

2010-12-21T19:01:00.000-08:00

有一种人，天生就爱拿痛苦来背。就算知道路会走得很辛苦，虽然很气，还是愿意继续走下去。为了什么？这种人完全不会去为这些痛苦找借口。他们就是习惯，不生气，不计较，不记仇。换来的，虽然总是大家的不谅解，他们却都不会因此而改变。

虽然犯贱，虽然很愚蠢，但若这世界上的人都那么自私自利，不管别人死活，这世界还剩下些什么？不要说是现实使到人们改变，到最后，人都还是必须向现实低头。那我只能说，这样的人生，是不快乐的。

畏畏缩缩过一辈子，害怕被责怪，害怕失败，害怕别人认为自己不好。一些人就是永远为了别人眼中的自己而活。我突然觉得自己活得很坦荡，我时常失败，时常跌倒，时常有人说我不好，我却都不以为意。我只害怕辜负其他人，我害怕内疚的感觉。

我就是这么一个滥好人，一个大家都笑我笨的滥好人。我可以背着别人的错误慢慢地站起来。不哭，要坚强，虽然很辛苦，但我会坚持。

我有乌龟的精神，背着乌龟壳，马拉松式地，我在绷跑着！！命运，我们赌一赌！

Archived Pictures Found in my Lappie (Kelly's Birthday)

2010-12-20T07:49:00.000-08:00

I hate squatting in front of lappie alone and waiting for nobody....

How could he dump me at home and went for supper without ME???

I swear I will whack him up until he begs for mercy!

***********************************************************

I promised to upload some pictures here but afta so long only I recall

SORRY, Princess Kelly!

Here to upload some pictures of Kelly's birthday celebration at Red Box, THE CURVE branch!! God, I love that place! The Curve is always the best place to hang out!

Had a wonderful lunch at Italianies. Jun and Birthday girl, Princess Kelly!~

All of us. ^^

Me and mah beloved 'Siu Lai'

Fake candid shot.

Kelly, from left, me, Liyuen the Siu Lai and mah sister!

Four sampat bitches. HA!

Kelly's first attempt.

2nd attempt. Water leakage version.

3rd attempt. Water flowing up from nose version.

Final attempt. Birthday girl spouting water.

All of us again!! In the karaoke room.

Surprise for Kelly. A Cake and Doraemon's favorite Dorayaki. Kelly was pranked at first with a Dorayaki and she really thought that was the birthday cake (representative) that we prepared for her. Funniest thing was, she looked so contented and delighted with the Dorayaki. ( Serious?!) She really appreciated what we gave to her, so touching....Well played, Kelly. LOL!

The second shot, taken by the waiter.

And she really felt happy with the real cake the waiter then brought into our room.

Birthday girl with her cake and Dora cake.LOL.

Bbuuphh** with saliva, then end of this post.

That was a day to remember. When will be our next meeting?? When are we gonna sing our lung out again? Miss you babes!

Time for bed. Nite!

Forget. Forgive.

2010-12-12T23:16:00.000-08:00

我是不是真的那么经不起考验？
想离开的念头还是挥不去。大家都叫我再来过，你还这么年轻，仅一次的失败并不算什么。

我知道，我懂。我想告诉你们，你们想的，客套的，对的，同情的，我全都感受到，全都懂。我只是觉得我装得好累了。

你们可以笑我太单纯，不能接受社会的现实，但我只能说，这个社会的现实，是一直存在的，我知道它一直存在着。我只是无法相信，原来社会上早已没有‘真心’这种东西。

一直都能将不开心的事搁一边，然后继续做我该完成的事，这一次却不能。或许是真的觉得很受伤吧？

天啊，才觉得自己很幸福，就来了一宗这样的事。神啊，我知道你听见我，可不可以指引我一条路，一条我应该走的路？

Forget. Forgive.

我想，我其实应该谢谢伤害我的人，是他们让我成长。

我也想谢谢帮助过我的人，是他们在我不如意时扶我一把。

我真的应该感恩，即使离开将会是我的决定，即使这样的决定将破坏我们的关系，我还是会衷心感谢及祝福他们。

Disguise

2010-12-08T23:03:00.000-08:00

我竟然还在寻找答案
真是傻得可笑
曾经看不起做作的人
而现在看一看我自己
其实也只是半斤八两

我不害怕成为别人眼中的失败者
最害怕的是，连我自己都开始看不起我自己

我只是一个一直在掩饰自己的骗子。。。

I just need time

2010-12-07T20:58:00.000-08:00

Taking a deep breathe, finally it comes to an end, though it is heart-wrenching, but from there I learn how to be strong.

I vowed not to cry in front of them, as I knew, I need to take the responsibility of what had gone wrong. From this case, I found out the true colors, that is definitely painful but the damn-est thing is, I never even hate or blame them, although reversely I was accused and blamed on everything.

Yet, from this case, I also found loads of truth where only people we think they wont understand, understand the most. I feel grateful on those people who seldom talk to me, and to be precise they probably dont even know me much, but they always trust me. My tears were dropped for them, the true hearts. People who lay their hands on me when things got really bad, they never talked much, but action did it all.

And I always thought I got a lot of true friends, but now I realized how dumbass I am. I trusted them, but on their side, they never. I am a fake gay, I am such hypocrite until I smile to them to let them know that I am okay. This is a silent case as behind those smiley face, in their thoughts, I am the sinner.

It ends, I fall, and I will be standing up high again. I just need time...

The Tormenting Last Week

2010-09-27T18:47:00.000-07:00

Received God's words that made my tears dropped totally out of my control..and yes, He is the one who understands me the most! Finally, someone told me to give all my burdens to, I had been carrying them for so long, it's time for me to let go my burdens and my worries to Him. I feel reincarnated, and its Him, who made me so.

WHILE

I was sick for 1 week, I first thought that was because of the supplement that I had just started taking it for 2 weeks, I thought that was the reaction by the supplement. Then I got my body ache for few days, back ache for few days, fever & high fever on and off, and puked, sore throat, then headache like its going to explode anytime. Then, drastically, I sweated like no mama business then I felt so much better after the tormenting 1 week period.

I went to a doctor when my high fever was so serious and everyone think that I should seriously seek for a doctor. Then I got to take 6 kind of medication, and one of them that I think I must mention here is the super strong antibiotic which the doctor thinks is a must for me as my condition was really bad. And the doctor told me, if the antibiotic didn't work at me, I'd better be charged to hospital because I might got dengue. WHAT?! Many people around me suspected dengue on me, as I always get stung by mosquitoes and I was like get attacked by a team of military trained mosquitoes, they would never stop attacking me especially in my office. The funny thing is I was always the only victim. People told me that I must be aware of those mosquitoes as mosquitoes in town are possibly AEDES Mosquitoes.

Sound so serious, but luckily the super strong antibiotic worked on me, I can now bounce here and there like I used to.

The Pet's Story II

2010-09-17T00:25:00.000-07:00

My house is completely like a pet's store now! 4 hammies, 2 dogs & 1 cat. Plus the newcomer Bebe the dumpy Shi Tzu, my house is getting more chaotic now. What's your feeling when you wake up early in the morning the first thing you see on the ground is poo and pee?

And all of us had further another skill, which is the skill of avoiding poo and pee on the floor. Tip-toeing and you gotta stop your breath all the way until you successfully across those landmines and arrive your destination. Okay, it might be a little exaggerating but I gotta tolerate with all these!

But luckily, Bebe is just temporarily staying at my place. By the way, he is cute though a little slow and stupid. The fascinating part is, he starts making friends with all the animals in my house including BenDan, the evil cat. We can't help laughing our souls out when seeing them cuddling together and playing with each other.

Pets are troublesome, but no doubt they are good companions in life, bring joys and make our house merrier.

My Scary Experiences and My Body

2010-09-12T21:20:00.001-07:00

I dunno why I feel so pissed off when I got to know my cholesterol level, which is higher than normal not to say critical but I am advised to be more aware of my own diet. And every time when I look at myself into the mirror I am agonized by my own body, what's wrong with it? I am never a thin one, but my figure now is much worse than it was. How I wish I could get my old days back...I can't even put myself on my old clothes.

The nutritionist said it is probably due to my diet, sleeping habit, emotion or maybe I was stressed out. All these factor my high cholesterol. I don't really agree with diet as I did control my diet...not very strict but at least I did control a little by not taking much of oily stuffs, I ate a lot of veggies and it is way alot than before. Maybe I am getting older and my metabolism rates went down, but I have tried to cut down many things which are not healthy in my daily diet program unless sometimes I have to attend some dinners. I cut down a lot of my food portion, and I don't eat much lately since I felt something wrong with my body.

I always worried about my body, as I can feel something went wrong already. I dared not to find out the problem but before I went for body check-up, I must make myself at least better than the worst condition of my body. And I put efforts in controlling diet, exercising and taking health supplement.

You must be wondering what makes me think that my body has gone wrong. I don't know if any of you have gone through this kind of feeling when you think of to do something, your brain tell your parts to do it but your other body parts don't really do the exactly is assigned to. This first happened when I was in my secondary, I used to play piano, and I enjoyed playing piano as it is my life. And I forgot when, it happened around 7 to 8 years ago, one day when I was playing piano, my mind suddenly blank-out and my fingers stopped on the keys in the sudden and they were not under my control, not moving for maybe 5 to 10 minutes. I thought I was going paralyzed, and don't know why I cried to myself bitterly at that time. I don't know why would it happen, its like the clock in my brain had stopped working but I ain't a cyborg! How could this be possibly happened on me? By not knowing how, I felt like a mummy who is totally lost on how to nurture her rebellious kids, that lost. That was very scary, I am so fear of this kind of feeling. Like I am going to the heaven in any time.

This kind of feeling do come back at times, and I could feel myself is moving and thinking slower compared to year ago. Does this mean I am getting seriously older? I dared not tell anyone, even my family as I know they will think that is not a big deal at all. I don't wanna make them think that I am a paranoid. But that had make me a little phobia of playing piano. Then finally, I had my body check-up, everything is quite fine, but some old people's problems, cholesterol and too much consumption of protein.

If all those scary experiences were caused by my cholesterol and protein, it is considered not so scary after all. At least they are something I could maybe work out on it myself, dont have to go through surgery. Thank God by the way, I am still considered okay, will take good care of myself, I swear!

I hope he will be fine there

2010-08-15T07:42:00.000-07:00

I never wanted things to come to this stage. Making decision like this is very hard for me, been repeatedly asking myself, if this is the right decision to be made, wondering and pondering, I even was imagining the worst scenario and the best sweet situation that would probably happen on today. Waiting and panicking, I prayed for the best and prepared for the worst; this day came finally. I think this is probably the cruelest decision I have ever made, but what could I do when I know that was the best way out of all the worst.

I sent my brother to youth centre today, not by myself of course, but three strangers who were paid to sent him there. Me and my mom were told not to be there as all of us know that our attendance there would interrupt the process of 'sending' him to the rehab centre. My brother, from his very young age up to today, was always a naughty one. He became very rebellious especially on his adolescent age, a real troublemaker who has raised sorts of problem that mentally harassed us.

Stealing, fighting, playing truant, bullying weaklings, vandalising, participating triad, all kind of things that qualified a bad boy could be found on him. How could we endure with this kind of kid? he is only 15! We always thought that he will one day grow up and feel guilty of what he had done. We have tried many different ways to cope with him, with care, love, restriction and everything one could think of, but none could cure.

I think the most pathetic thing is not because of the ways we have tried very hard didn't work, but no matter how hard we tried, he couldn't feel the love we showered on him. I seek for advices, and everyone besides me strongly agree with my decision of sending him to centre. That is the only way, looks cruel but that will make him a good man in the future and not a piece of trash. He used to respect and love me, but I know he is probably hating me now. No tears were dropped, but I couldn't explain the feeling of lost when I was sitting on the couch, all kind of feelings were in a riot, deranged my mind.

I hope when the next time I see him, he will be much different and become a real man. All of us hope so, I truthfully hope the outcome won't turn out worse.

何谓马来西亚华人——我们是马来西亚人，但不是马来人，我们是华人，但不是中国人

2010-07-28T08:15:00.000-07:00

【请大家转载】在校内发了第一篇过后，真没想到校内影响力那么大，能传得那么广。于是，我突然有一个想法，想有意识地运用校内的这种影响力，让大家更好地认识马来西亚华人这个群体。当然，以下只是我个人的想法，只代表我个人的立场。我的朋友，请帮忙转载，当帮我一个忙；大马同胞，也请帮忙转载；不认识的朋友，如果你觉得这篇文章稍有可取之处，也请帮忙转载~谢谢大家啊！

第一、尴尬的存在

场景1

当我刚到中国时，人们问我的第一个问题总是：“你的汉语怎么说得那么好啊？”紧接着“来到中国多说年了？”、“难道是从小学汉语吗？”

场景2

当时我和中文系的辩论队一起看01年的国际大专辩论赛决赛，马来亚大学的三辩提到“日本军在南京大屠杀凌虐我中华妇女”，有位同学问我“你们也提中华妇女吗？”

从我到中国以来，以上的情况遇上了无数遍，于是我很早就想写一篇文章来告诉大家：马来西亚的华人是一个什么样的存在。这个题目很大，我只能从我切身的体会和感受来写这篇文章。

缘起

先用一个大家都熟悉的历史背景来做开场白。1840以来，中国进入了一个动乱的时期。一方面，好些中国人想往外逃窜；另一方面，西方列强想捉苦力到东南亚地区为他们服务。于是，大量的中国人（尤其是福建、广东一带）就散布到东南亚各个地区，其中就包括了马来西亚。

尴尬的存在

当人家问我“你的汉语怎么说得那么好啊？”这么一个简单的问题时，我还真觉得这不是一句话就能解释的问题。最简单的回答就是：“因为我祖先是中国人”，但是有人又会问：“那么为什么好多印尼人就不会说汉语了呢？”问题的复杂之处就在这里。

从迁居到马来西亚，我们的先贤就特别重视中文的教育，通过私塾、宗祠等单位教授三字经、四书五经等教材，后来随着中国教育体制的改革而改革。这个时期，我们的祖先基本上还是以中国人自居，黄花岗七十二烈士就有二十九人是华侨、抗日战争时期全体华侨出钱出力、著名的华侨陈嘉庚创办厦大、集美大学。。。。。。这样的事情不胜枚举。

后来，随着居住马来西亚日久，我们的命运渐渐在这片土地上生了根。从马来西亚（大马）方面来看，我们开始更多地关注大马的政治，与马来族、印度族联手争取从英国的殖民统治中独立。从中国方面来看，周恩来总理提出：华侨应在其居住地生根发芽。但是，不变的是：我们始终坚持自己的母语教育。

在印尼，由于当地华侨没有组成统一的阵线，于是他们不能拥有中文名字、不能庆祝农历新年；在中国人普遍认为完好地传承了中华文化的新加坡，李光耀总理主动地消灭了中文教育，关闭了新加坡唯一以中文为教学媒介的南洋大学，全体人民学习英文，于是目前多数新加坡人的母语是英语。如今，随着中国的崛起，中文的“经济”价值日益提高，许多东南亚国家才掀起了“汉语热”。唯一的例外是马来西亚，因为我们的先贤从头到尾就没有以“经济”作为考量，而是从“民族文化”出发。

那么，难道马来西亚就没有遭遇当地政府的阻挠吗？有！而且很大！马来西亚教育终极的目标是：以马来语为唯一的教学媒介语，换言之，华语、淡米尔语的中小学迟早都得消灭。60年代，大马政府规定：只有以马来语为教学媒介语的学校才能获得政府的津贴，于是许多中文中学纷纷改制，变为政府中学。这时，我们的先贤，以林连玉先生为代表，明确地提出：学习母语是每个民族的天赋人权，即使不要一分钱的津贴，我们也要办独立中学！

于是，马来西亚的华文教育保留了下来，华小以及民办的独立中学、学院形成完整的中文教育的体系，甚至创立了“全马来西亚独立中学统一考试”，受全球各高校承认（除了马来西亚的大学），我们基本上就是以这张文凭为基础考进北大的。在这个过程中，多少先贤抛头颅、洒热血，林连玉先生被褫夺公民权、好多人被大马政府关押、无数的民众以自己的血汗钱支持独立中学。

但是，来到中国，没有人知道这一切。不止中国，我相信全世界的人都不知道这一切，不知道被我们称为“族魂”的林连玉，不知道马来西亚的华人用血、汗和泪水来争取母语教育的权利。于是，中国的同学反过来问我们：“为什么你们会说汉语？”时，我真觉得这是巨大的讽刺。

尤其，当中国同学问起我：“为什么你们也说‘中华妇女’？”时------尽管不理智------我还是立时火了：“为什么日军侵袭时，马来西亚的华人要出钱出力？为什么同一年发生缅甸风灾和四川大地震时，我们华人对后者的捐款额要远远大于前者，我们难道就没有资格称自己为‘中华民族’吗？”

当我来到北大的图书馆文学图书时，看着满目的“美国文学”、“印度文学”。。。。。。当我看到“新加坡文学”，而没看到“马来西亚文学”时，我更感到十分凄凉，以至于讽刺。我们浴血抗战，创建了一套完整的中文教育体系，有完整的“马华文学”，而这一切在中华文化的发源地------中国是得不到承认的。反倒是曾经废除过南大的新加坡，由于其更为强大的国势，反而被认为是在海外完整地传承了中华文化的国家。

“尴尬”之处就在于此：努力地捍卫中华文化，不为马来西亚政府承认，亦不为世人所知，里外不是人。这就是马来西亚华人第一种存在：尴尬的存在。

第二、独立的存在

独立的存在，另一个说法是孤立的存在。“马来西亚华人”这个词儿意味着：我们是马来西亚人，但不是马来人（中国朋友最大的误会~囧）；我们是华人，但不是中国人。于是，一种特殊的群体和文化产生了，独立于世界之林。

我们跟其他马来西亚人（例如马来人、印度人）的差别很明显，黄皮肤在一片黑色的人海之中额外显眼，不同的语言、不同的文化。但是，在日常生活中我们相处得十分融洽-------马来人其实真的是很好相处的，什么种族冲突全是政府搞出来的-------整个群体都受到马来族极大的影响，这就铸成了我们好多的共同点，而与他们的这些共同点恰恰就是我们和中国人的相异之处。

最明显的差异就是口头表达。首先是口音，我朋友总说：“看你的时候一点都不像外国人，但你一说话我们就马上知道了。”在辩论赛场上时，我的一口马来腔更是显得极为突兀。所谓马来西亚口音，大概就是广东腔+福建腔，翘舌少、轻声较少（个人认为）、没有儿化、语调趋平。其次是词汇，以中文词汇为主体，再加上各种方言、马来语、英语的词汇，各种语气词“啦”、“咯”、“哄”层出不穷。大家有兴趣的话，可以去百度打“马来西亚VS中国”，马上就能找到许多具体的例子。

但是，我以为：更深层的差距不在嘴巴，而在脑子里。有一次，中文系的徐艺峰师兄领着我们留学生辩论队讨论一个辩题，他最感叹的就是：“如果是跟中国学生讨论，第三个衡量标准一定是‘何者更有利于社会主义的建设’。”看看中国同学的课就知道，什么思修、毛概、邓小平思想、军事理论，这些似乎都离我们的生活很远很远。冷战时期资本主义阵营和社会主义阵营的分家就决定了我们意识形态上的不同。

撇开这个问题不谈，即使同样都继承了中华文化，两地的继承也是有所不同的。在这里，大部分的人都信仰“无神论”。但是，我们那里好多人都还信仰观十八罗汉、观音娘娘、关公、济公、齐天大圣等，不一而足。不止大量的神庙，我们还保留了大量的宗祠、会馆，并且还在华人社区发挥着一定的作用。由于我对中国的现代化进程还算有一定的了解，以上这些还不足以让我惊讶，真正让我吃惊的是中国风气的开放。校内校外，情侣相拥亲吻的情况无所不在，这还真不是我想象中的中国。当然，我们那里也有很开放的人，但是可以肯定的是：马来西亚的华人普遍上要比中国人保守得多（嗯~至少跟我的家乡相比）。

此外，许多大马华人一致公认的是：中国学生真的很多“学术牛人”，大体上比我们那儿的人要勤劳的多。中国人多竞争大，我所认识的每位同学一个个都是从高考的腥风血雨中杀出来的英雄豪杰，他们那股永不言倦的冲劲着实让我们折服。相较而言，马来西亚人则比较慵懒，更倾向于做自己喜欢的事、享受自己的人生。因此，我们玩起来比较放浪形骸，比较不顾形象，大声吵、大声笑、大声闹。

既不是马来人，也不是中国人，我们仿佛就是另一种程度上的混血儿，所以或许我们有点孤单。但是，这或许就是我们独特的优势：既传承了悠久的中华文化，又成长在一个相对宽松自由的舆论环境，想法更自由、更多元。所以，即使我们这个群体在世界上似乎很孤立，但如果让我有机会选择，我仍然愿意出生在马来西亚，当马来西亚的华人。

第三、悲壮的存在

“宝剑锋自磨砺出，梅花香自苦寒来”，这一句俗语在马来西亚人身上得到绝佳的体现。在过去，马来人、华人、印度人曾经联手争取了国家的独立；但是，随着马来人逐渐独掌大权（再注：对马来人的抨击仅限政治人物），华人、印度人的地位也日渐衰弱。首先，马来语成了唯一的官方语言。再来，马来西亚教育的最终目标定为：“使马来语成为唯一的教学媒介语”。

但是，最大的转折点是六、七十年代的“五·一三事件”。由于华人比较刻苦耐劳，比其他的民族来得富有，无形中造成了民族间的矛盾。出于权力斗争的目的，政治人物鼓动马来人屠杀华人。于是，第二任首相敦拉萨借此宣布国家进入“紧急状态”，顺势上台，颁布了一系列不平等的法令。在经济上，每家公司都至少要雇用30%的土著（其实就是马来人和其他极少部分的少数民族）；在教育上，大学也实施固打制，要保留一定的份额给土著。此外，对中文教育的打压更是变本加厉，影响力最大的就是改制事件，即不以马来语为主要教学媒介语的政府中学都领不到政府一分钱的津贴。

打压归打压，但是马来西亚华人依然在暴风雨中茁壮成长。如第一篇所述，我们发展出了一套完整的中文教育，各领域人才辈出。大家熟知的梁静茹、曹格、光亮皆是马来西亚华人；大家现在人手一支的U盘是马来西亚的潘建忠发明的；在华语辩论界上，马来西亚以其犀利的辩风在世界上占有一席之地；如今，马来西亚的十大首富中也大部分是华人。

但是，从这里我们可以看到一些很可悲的现实。大马华人自己创办的独立中学培养了无数英才那又怎样？全世界大部分高等学府都承认我们的统考文凭时，唯有马来西亚政府不承认！马来亚大学在辩坛创出赫赫威名那又怎样？在政府控制下的马来亚大学还曾经试图禁止马大的辩手参赛！梁静茹、潘建忠等辈就更加可悲了，许多人都以为他们是台湾人！潘建忠自己就说过：“如果我留在马来西亚，不可能会有今天的成就。”因为在马来西亚，华人发展的空间有限，报国无门又无法自我实现，不出国发展还能怎样？

于是，马来西亚的华人成长是成长了，可是那跟政府什么毛关系都没有。因为我们政府很慷慨，在全世界都在争夺人才时，我们政府眼看马来西亚出现人才外流的滚滚洪流仍然可以视而不见！在马来西亚大力提倡向外吸纳人才时，去看看，有多少马来西亚的人才在新加坡工作！有一次，我们国家的首相到新加坡访问，探访一间医院时，竟然有一半以上的人用马来语跟他致敬！这是何等的讽刺！

我原本把第三篇命名为“令人骄傲的存在”，可是后来改成了“悲壮”。的确，我们有很傲人的成就。可是，在我们有心报效祖国时，却只能被不公平的政策拒之国门。马来西亚那么一块宝地，没有天灾、资源丰富、文化多样，又居于世界要冲，如果真的有英明的政府，摇身变为世界强国绝非难事！反观新加坡，没有什么自然资源，又是弹丸之地，可是，现在我们只有眼睁睁看着自己的国家成了新加坡的腹地，眼看着从马来西亚分离出去的新加坡一天比一天强大！这种感觉真的很复杂，真的很难以言喻！

谓之“悲壮”，我想应该甚为贴切。

后记

可能很多人很意外，我从小时候开始就自认为自己是个中国人。从小读的书就是《西游记》、《水浒传》、《三国演义》、《杨家将》、《岳飞传》。影响我一生最大的一套书大概就是一套三十本的中国历史漫画图集。在我小小脑海中，出现的总是滚滚的黄土和快马飞驰的勇将。长大了一点，看过《中国人史纲》、《中国寓言》，偶尔会翻翻《唐诗三百首》。

那时，我真的自认为我是中国人，我的文化之根和这里的人是联系在一起的。

于是，我的梦想就是回归中国。英文我认为不重要，因为我要去中国，从没认真学；马文我更是碰都不碰，甚至常以考不好马来文自嘲。可以说，我很偏执。我只有认为有必要的东西我才会认真去学。到了高二，我的国际视野才宽广到足以让我理解英文的重要性，我从那时开始才急起直追，算是打下了一定的基础，但是绝没到“好”的程度。但是，马来文，我始终不愿意去学习，在统考中马文拿了惨兮兮的“B6”还常拿去说嘴。

去年9月，我来到了中国，就读于中国最好的大学，学习着自己最想念的中文系，一切看起来都像梦想成真。但是，来到了这里，我才第一次深刻地体会到：我是马来西亚人。我才第一次感觉到：我有可能是爱国的。在祖国成长的每一部分，不管是口音、思维等，都在我的生命里留下不可磨灭的痕迹。即使我可能算是马来西亚里最中国的一小撮人，即使我跟很多中国同学相处得不错，但是我仍然能深刻地体会到我们的不同之处。不管怎么样，在中国，只要是外国人，就真的只是外国人。

那么我到底该何去何从？这是我一整个学期都在思考的问题。在迷茫中，在摸索中，我才会写出上面的三篇文章，试图找到马来西亚华人的定位，试图找到自己的定位，然后决定自己以后要到哪里发展。我个人认为，不管是留在中国还是去到西方，就注定了只能收到单方面的信息，很难认清这个世界的真相。此外，留在中国，或许就只能是成为一个尴尬、孤立的个体。去到西方国家，那更是彻底地孤立，存活在一堆思维截然不同的陌生人之中，甚至还可能面临他们的排斥。

可能，我仍然会回去马来西亚，即使我们目前仍然要活在打压之中，即使要存活在一个难以实现自我的空间。但是，我或许可以用手中的一票继续给国阵施加那千万分之一的压力，做自己想做的事，做一个开心的人。即使薪水不高，即使物质生活不丰裕，即使很难真正地实现自我，但是只要能在自己最熟悉的家乡、跟喜欢的人在一起，幸福或许就那么简单不是吗？

满纸荒唐言，

一把辛酸泪；

都云作者痴，

谁解其中味？

转摘至http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=141937882491446&id=1333934376

M going to Taiwan

2010-07-26T20:26:00.000-07:00

Sky so high, star so bright
even in the daylight

Say goodnight, say bye-bye
even tho I am burning midnight oil

BORING~

But yay, am going to Taiwan on 2nd August
AKA my birthday!

Bad timing at the same time, guess many people will take the chance not to buy me any present as I will not be around.><

But I still hope u guys could get my present prepared.Hehe

You think you are good?You are not there yet!

2010-07-25T20:10:00.000-07:00

Dee Dee Dee~~~
Paging to all Gossip aunties and uncles, please follow the steps below:

wake up in the morning, brush your teeth and don't forget to look at yourself carefully into mirror.
think about what u have done yesterday that hurt others feeling.
think about what you have said yesterday which is not based on truth.
think about your own children, are they really that good?
think about yourself, are u really that perfect?
just zip your mouth or you will make yourself more awful than the one you are always gossiping at.

Congratulation, you have earned another wisdom so you are about there to go to heaven.Thanks for doing so.

I'm not a rude person, I do respect elderly people. Why don't some of you just be a cute old people that loved by everyone? You can look down on other people, but please be sure that you are that noble and pleasant.

Balinese design

2010-07-23T19:12:00.000-07:00

Got a chance to expand our business to Batu Pahat, a town which MAD loaded people are in. My job this time is to design a double storeys semi-detached house. This house originally looks monotonous and normal.

The paint color is not so nice, i actually don't like the stone wall entrance. The design is normal, not much color and don't have a theme too.

As what I have observed from the houses in Batu Pahat, these damn rich people love Balinese style. 9 out of 10 house in the same row are in Balinese , yay so let's make it Balinese!

The concept of this house is to make the house owner have the closest encounter with nature. Relaxing, distress and zero distance with the nature, tempered glass and water fountain are the key element that strengthen the ambiance. Balcony to be modified as a garden, water fountain will be built from balcony to the ground. The symphony of the water and nature embraces the whole house, that bring peacefulness and relaxation to every family member.

Color wise, dark grey and light brown are widely used to make a little contrast. Thou grey doesn't look like a Balinese, but I just wanna be stubborn and make the grey and brown spark together in their chemical bonds.

All rights for this material reserved by U Search Id.

We deal with creativity, make creative solution for your living!

T.T

2010-07-21T19:49:00.001-07:00

Sorry, I never meant to yell at you...

But please respect my decision, I have my reason. I know your worries, I understand that you care about me, but I believe you will do the same as I do too if you were in my shoes.

That's not your fault, my bad of being so emotional.

Sorry! T.T

The Pet's Story I

2010-07-19T23:23:00.000-07:00

Pets are always our best companion when we feel lonely, down and stressed. A little movements, a little naughty will just turn me grin from ear to ear. These are the pets in my house, I love them all!

The two Syrian Hamsters in my house.

Could hardly take a clearer picture of them.

This is 'Ah Bui', as it is a real fatty. An obesity Syrian hamster. He loves taking sand bath but unfortunately due to his big body, he can't fit in any kind of 'bathroom'. Look at his messy fur.LOL

My two once babies Roborovski Hamster. Left one is Beat and right one is Bite. Beat is smart and tame while Bite is fat and lazy. *Big contrast* >.<
They always cuddle up and squeeze themselves in their running wheel. Love each other, nothing will set them apart thou they do fight sometimes.

The 'Kepo' dog, LeLe. She is the most kepo+ hyperactive dog in the world.
Breed: Schnauzer
Nick: Kepo Bitch
Interest: Being Nosy and spa in smelly drain

She always knows how to cheese!

Shy Shy, the smile of teen!

Name: KiKi
Breed: Unidentified
Nick: Unidentified
Interest: Running happily in town.

He finally knows how to pose himself in the 2nd shot. I think that's because LeLe told him to do so. LeLe is a camwhore.

Let's try another one together! Say Cheese!

LeLe will never missed a single shot, and KiKi is off again. =.=

Repo Men

2010-07-18T18:27:00.000-07:00

Watched Repo Men yesterday, pretty much violent in this show somehow I think it is nice when there's Jude Law playing spears. Jude Law looks much older in the show, whit bald but overall he still owns the awesomeness!!

Repo Men, known as repossession men. When people signed up for car, but they never happened to pay the installment, bank will take the car back; and when people signed up for artificial organs but they never happened to pay for it, the RepoMen will then take their organs back!

That is how the world looks like in future. Inconceivable? No, I don't think so, this world will turn darker and worse than it is. Because there are unusual expensive artificial organs with the high monthly interest charged that keeps the human alive. In the future world, where drugs spread all over, everyone has bad organs and short supply of organ donation. Instead of waiting for the death, they sign up for an artificial organ which the price is impossibly gonna make it for normal or lower income family.

Only rich man can be survived, but the poor ones, in order to protect themselves, they hide and fight when they are threatened. And this situation is not gonna end forever because the world will continue rotting, people get used to the evil days. They even have artificial mind that control over the neuro that makes people live in wonderful dream forever. The war will never end until the end of the world.

People, are you ready to receive this?

Imagine

2010-07-16T19:11:00.000-07:00

This is a nostalgic moment, I am not born in John Lenon era, but I am just in love with his songs. He might not the best singer, but the way he sings always pluck our heart strings. I was so into his song, so soothing and will never tired me. I love peace, we couldn't make peace to the real world, but we could bring peace to our minds. John Lenon had just sung our soul out, his songs bring peace to us.

This is the best song ever written. I am a dreamer, just like John Lenon do. Rest in Peace, John Lenon (9 October 1940 – 8 December 1980).

Imagine

Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

Pet Penguin

2010-07-13T21:53:00.000-07:00

I think at least some of my dreams are not that hard to happen. ^^
I always wish to have a pet penguin, but people always tell me that is something so impossible which I could only dream on that. But now, Hmmph! People, please watch the video below:

I dont know what is his name, sounds Diwawa, or Kiwawa dont know which wawa is that but that name sounds extremely suit him, cute to max! I want one!!! I wanna give my pet penguin in future a cute name too, Miwawa? Fattywawa? a name, a name, a name, please, I must think a cute name for my pet penguin..

When I become old and slow, will you still in love with me?

2010-07-12T23:15:00.000-07:00

When I become old and slow, will you still in love with me?

Suddenly, I dont know how this kind of feeling come across me and make me feel really bad. How could one be living in this world without true friends? I know I am always a boring one, but I care about my friends very much. What if a true friend just left without knowing how I care for them? I hate this kind of feeling, but to be rational, things like this happen. Witnessing my friends leaving me, or realizing that I am going so far away from them is a true tragedy. I know I understand but I cant do a thing when I know they love me no more.

Who would still appreciate a dork like me?

I felt real bad when watching this tube, it reminds me of my friends, at the same time my 2 hammies which just died year ago and I miss them so much.

My dream. My Life

2010-07-06T01:14:00.000-07:00

I know many of them think I must be insane, to make such decision to stay in this small town. They think I am not smart enough, they think I have wasted my 4 years of study because of my decision. I know how other people think of me, because I am an ordinary people with ordinary thoughts. I hear laughter, and I feel despised.

I am working in an unknown small company which only has one worker, me. Every time when people asked about "what are you doing, and in what company" I will tell them that I am working in a small company which u will never heard of it. I am doing everything I could to make miracles.

I am born in this town, a so called dead city, Muar. I would never tired of asking more people to come to this dead city not because it is dead, but because it is still alive. I still choose to stay in this small town, which I have been hesitating and considering a lot before I decided to stay. I did think about my family, and also my future. I know I am being stubborn, and I don't really care how other people think about me, I don't mind at all, because they don't understand, I have dreams to pursue.

Dream in a small town like this might sound difficult, but that is my dream. I am also thinking of going abroad for Master Degree, and I will come back again to this small town. I never think it is a waste to be in Muar, because behind all these laughter, there are my dreams. Other people stop me, and even tried to wake me up, but I don't feel taking Master Degree is something wrong and I don't think working here is something humiliating.

They think I am not well prepared, they think I made wrong judgments for my life. What they think and what they say are not under my consideration anymore, because I think this is my life, I manage my life myself.

The A-Team

2010-06-13T20:41:00.000-07:00

OMG, A-Team A-Team A-Team!!!

Auntie said she watched The A-Team before, that show was normal. I think maybe that's why The A-Team is now on the big screen again, because that is so awesome. This show deserves its glory, making more people, especially us, the younger ones to get to enjoy its awesomeness! I never watched the older version of it, guess I definitely should catch it someday.

Okay, let's talk about the show, great action, brilliant plans, cool characters and so entertaining that makes me laugh from the start till the end. That is not a comedy, but is so amusing, I madly enjoy watching it! I was like hypnotized by the story, I didn't feel uncomfortable like I used to feel when sitting on the lower row, I enjoyed watching on that seat in fact, weird. So I would tell that is all because of the movie itself, if that movie is awesome enough, audience would still enjoy watching it, even tho the seat was lousy.

The A-Team 1983

The A-Team 2010

Though both were starred by different actors, but I don't think the same crew should be called to take part in this show again as they might already grandpas of their grandsons. However, the actors did pretty well too. This show is fantastic! Thumbs up x 5 plus likes x 100,000!!!

Where I am Living in

2010-06-03T11:02:00.000-07:00

And that is where I am living in..

I am living in a world where people fight with each others for money
I am living in a world where people know what is the benefit to fight but they are dumb enough to know what are the consequences
I am living together with a bunch of people who do not have any idea about what is peace
I am living in a world where you can find a lot of people thinking themselves are clever but start wars just because they don't wanna lose

And here is where I am living in

I truly hope, those who are lost can finally find their way
Those who are suffering can be released

Goodbye Yesterday.

等

2010-05-28T10:06:00.000-07:00

等
记得我总爱说‘等’
等人载
等人带
等人来
等电话
等时间
等一下
等等等等等

记得 internship 的时候，我的同事兼干妈妈常会在放工时间问我，还不下班吗？
我就会告诉她，等一下，我在等我朋友的电话
她笑着说：等？你还是那句等。

人的一生好像充满了等待，这或许是一种借口，或是我太过于被动的性格，就是爱等。我总是习惯性的不生气，培养自己的耐性，我等。回想，别人也有等我的时候。我的一生，都是在等。

从前是等毕业，现在是等别人告诉我我所努力的一切值多少？人的一生是应该富裕的，富裕在于它是充实的，而不是拥有万贯家财。如果说我自己贫穷？不见得，我在等待的过程中想了好多事情，也领悟了很多。

我相信自己永远都不是最好的，我也不要求成为最好，我也不想再多做些什么让别人知道我很好。我只想等，等待我的人生开始发光，等待我所向往的安静，不需要很豪华。我在等，等待那一天的到来，等待时间将过去带走，就算那个时候得我已经白发苍苍，也没关系，人的一生，不都是在等待那一天的到来？然后，我们就会走到人生的尽头。

Those days in the small room downstairs Part II

2010-05-24T05:50:00.000-07:00

Heard of that song Sorry by Buckcherry , that reminds me of those days. I hate the feeling of leaving, and also the feeling of seeing the leaving of others. I can't believe myself, a so called cold-blooded people would sob for Evelyn's leaving, and only I realized how deeply this house is linked with me. And I realized, how much I love staying at that place.

Sorry - Buckcherry

Oh I, have a lot to say

was thinking of my time away

I miss you and things weren't same

Cause everything inside

it never comes out right

And when I see you cry

It makes me wanna die

I'm sorry I'm bad I'm sorry you're blue

I'm sorry about all the things I said to you

And I know, I can't take it back

I love how you kiss, I love all your sound

Baby the way you make my world go round

And I just, wanted to say

I'm sorry

This time, I think I'm to blame

It's harder to get through the days

You get older and blame turns to shame

Cause everything inside

It never comes out right

And when I see you cry

It makes me wanna die

I'm sorry I'm bad I'm sorry you're blue

I'm sorry about all the things I said to you

And I know, I can't take it back

I love how you kiss I love all your sounds

Baby the way you make my world go round

And I just, wanted to say

I'm sorry

Every single day I think about how we came all this way

The sleepless nights and the tears you cried

It never too late to make it right

On the leaving day, this song was played, that turned me sad. I hope the others will still remember of this song, meaningful not only the lyrics, but the melody which all of us sang together. I wanna say sorry, for things I've said that hurt some of you, if I ever done anything that makes you hate me, I also wanna send my apology here.

I don't know whether is there still a chance for all of us to meet up again, probably when the time we see each other, it is after years. And maybe, we can't even recognise each other. I truly hope that my existence in your life is not a dirt of your life, even if it was, I hope you would rub it away.

I feel you.

Lunch and Dinner Random Pictures

2010-05-21T04:54:00.002-07:00

Was having lunch at Thai Express @ The Curve, the food there was superb nice, but the bill not nice. They are really express, I always love Thai food, but Thai Express is one of the best that serve ala carte. So when you feel starving and need to recharge yourself quickly with some good foods @ The Curve, and feel bored of taking fast food, Thai Express is where you should bounce to.

I love Thai Green Curry, nice!!!

Pineapple Fried rice, traditional Thai food

Went for shopping, and got my pocket a big hole T.T

AND

*
*

Bubba Gump!

Bubba Gump for dinner as planned, my second time of being there. The food are normal, I always couldn't afford taking too much of oily deep fried stuff, they are very bad for health and sinful at the same time for a plump girl like me.

Before Ending this entry
*
*

This two furry balls fight again. But still, they want to say

Good Night!

Packed Schedule in the End of Semester

2010-05-20T14:33:00.000-07:00

Farewell Farewell.....So sad to say, its time for me to say goodbye to all my classmates. Ended my university life, I am now declaring that I am JOBLESS. Who is kind enough there to offer me a good job? Before all of us going apart, I had gatherings with my ex-classmates and classmates. I got to rush here and there, dinner, lunch, shopping, then shopping, lunch, dinner......I was so sinfully spent a lot on all these entertainments, but they are just worth all prices!

TB12 gathering at Garden, One Utama. Not all of us, but at least got the chance to meet up with a few of them, happy!! The food there normal only, but does have nice environment.

The Food

Oven Baked Cod Fillet

Aglio de Olio Spaghetti

Garden Chicken Chop

Dessert

Ladies

The Couple

Me and my food

The Day out with loved friends.

Checking-in to Red Box, time to show our talents!

Cheese *

And we do sing Hindi Songs, Yaar Mere

END NOW

Lang Tengah Lang Tengah!!! YaY!

Nothing

2010-05-14T10:52:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I spent a lot today! What an outing, and what and 'shopaholicking' day! I finally got stuff which I always wanted to get. Had dinner at Bubba Gump, not bad, but expensive. Then finally the two little furry balls got their 'bathroom' and I think they are loving it. ^^ Actually, there are pictures supposed to be uploaded one, but my aching bones fail me. Basically alone at home, so I watch movie to kill boredom.

Watched an old movie, 'The Holiday'

I love the story, that is so motivating me to write novel again, I simply love the story plot and everything. That is quite a story but it is fascinating. Somehow falling for Jude Law, even though I know me and him will never ever work out, but in deep of my heart, I adore him (I know he is probably a playboy, but I am just in love with his appearance, so, hell the rumors!). After watching the movie again, I really think Cameron Diaz and Jude Law should get married. They are just perfect to each other on screen. I always love Cameron Diaz, she is simple but powerfully beautiful, and she reminds me of one of my best friends, a lovely friend of mine, Priscilla.

The story is all about love, when we think everything is over and after being betrayed, and only realized that it is all written to make us meet the true one.

=When you think it's over, it is probably the new start.=

AND

I wanna share another nice movie here, I must share I must share!

Extraordinary Measures (2010)

Touching story that based on true events, I cried for a few times when watching this movie. From the poster you might think is probably some sorta action movie, but no, that is a movie that tells about the love of a father. It is hard to convince me, if the movie is based on novel or just a script bla bla bla, because the father did everything beyond his ability, I should say beyond what normal people could do to cure his kids from rare genetic disease, Pompe. Pompe was an incurable disease, that is so heart-wrenching as parents could do nothing but just to see their children die. However, this is based on a true event, and the father, OMG, did everything just to cure his children, he resigned from a high pay job, and stepped into medical industry which he had no any idea about. How many people could actually make it? In this movie, it mostly focuses on family, I bet it inspires many in dealing with their mind and emotion when there are sick kids at home.

=Love is just a game for some of you, but never for parents=

That is strange that many movies lately focus on the father love instead of mother. Recent ones, Taken (father save daughter from bad guy), 2012 (father rescue family from end of the world), The Lovely Bones (father find out the murderer of her daughter), and also, Edge of Darkness (Father find out the truth behind the death of his daughter). Is that because all the directors are man?

2010-05-12T23:40:00.000-07:00

Life, I am blank. I start hating you now.

I just wanna write something here, I don't know why...The devastating news knocked me up, suddenly, everything starts to flash through my mind. Her mother, my mother, my family, the incident, the news, the proposal and myself.

I wish I could give her a hug, I really wanted to hug her, but I stopped myself. I must be strong because my friend is stronger. If I was there being too sentimental won't make her feel better too. How would I react myself, when the day my mom leave me? I know the day will due one day, that is normal. We must accept everything that will happen in life, this is how when life being cruel, it is as cruel until it ruin a home.

There are stacks of word I wanna tell many people, I always know life is short, everyday is a present and we must live for now. But I kept a lot of secrets to myself, my feeling, which I think I should never reveal it.

Life, you bring them off from life. If this is how much you can give, you suck!

I must be strong, because she is being strong. . . . . .and I won't cry......

2010-05-11T07:44:00.000-07:00

Why am I always so alone when handling things?

I know...I know some people always think that I am a control freak and perfectionist..

Okay, perfectionist, maybe..but I am not a freaking control freak! How far do you understand me? Have u ever really be in my shoes? I have dream, I own principle, I make possibles. But I never wanted to control people's mind and people's act.

You think I am the only one who is obliged to do all these things? If I don't do a thing, who is gonna give a shit? If I don't speak, people say I am pretending to be good people; I speak , people say I am controlling. Is this everything I deserve to have in life? I speak what I think, do what I think I should do, comment what I think is worth to comment. Other than that, please don't again charge them on me.

Autistic

2010-05-09T07:53:00.000-07:00

Oh, I m gonna tag myself as a folk with symptom of autistic. I am always lousy in expressing my feeling. I do not normally tell someone that I loved how much I love them, which I think because I am too much used to live with my seriousness, well, doubt I should say, I used to act to be serious. I dunno why, maybe just because I need to be serious, because that make me look strong so that people I love could lean on me. I get uneasy with very sentimental thing, that is absurd.

Hmm...I dunno why I write this entry, maybe that's boredom. Received a piece of donut from my sister, she had been filial to me lately. Hope she really has grown up, I don't wanna be such a bitch who always lecture her.

End

2010-05-08T05:29:00.000-07:00

They are my Roborovski hammies..!

New Member

2010-05-05T10:55:00.000-07:00

I wanna introduce the new member of my room here!

*Peeps*

Me + Him *Peeps*

*Dah Dang*, he is the new member of my room!

Failed obtaining the bears for me in the fun fair, so he got me this as replacement. I used to love EEyore more among Pooh family, but this one is cute too. So I can accept both, if he would like to get me the another one will be a great thing YAy! LOL! I named him BeatBox! Don't ask me why I named him so, there's no reason, I just feel like wanna name it BeatBox, no reasons attached. LaLaLa

Me hugging him while studying my notes for the next coming paper.

While, guess he was not happy as I didn't pay attention on him. So he took away my notes. =.=

Okay okay, come we take a nice one together....SNAP*

~~~~====***END***====~~~~

Trip, simple but FUN

2010-05-02T07:51:00.000-07:00

Some random pictures of trips. Went to Genting Highland twice within 2 months. End of March, after being stressed out for months, he decided to put aside all his works and went Jalan-Jalan with me. Then, mid of April, a family trip to Genting again. Hello, Uncle Lim, time to share your riches. Here me come!

Shin Chans! They just stick with us all the time, follow every foot steps we take. Yay!~

Mmm, ever ready for camera! =)

Kick some asses from Theme Park Arcade.

Then, Starbucks for sure. Green Tea Latte-Ice Blended-Whip creamed-chocolate-powdered for High Tea!

Without a piece of cake for high-T is as like without gambling in Genting. Sound so wrong.

Two is always better than one!

Its me! with my superlicious green tea and cake.

He is always so excited when meet with food. Stir Stir Stir...

Say Cheese

And then, cos we won some money from Uncle Lim, we decided to have a nice dinner, not in Genting, as we couldn't think of any nice food there. Celebrate celebrate, we both love Chili's and yes there we go! Chili's in One Utama!

Appetizer, forgot the name, but I remember the taste. That was nice!

He had grilled-fish and I had grilled lamb shoulder. Both of us were starving that time and we finished having them then realized we forgot to take pictures of the main courses. LOL

AND family trip, to Genting, again!

Met the little talent of Mami Poko diaper. HE is so adorable, OMG!He is a HE.

And found my Mr. Right, HONG GA HONG GA

He was trying to get me one of the hanging bears, as I requested. But failed....

Sisters, Mummy and ah ma! In fairy wheel

My chicken didi can only bear to ride on that flying ship and keep bugging my mom to be his company.

Three beauties from the window frame.Syok ar!LOL

All of us but not ALL of us!

THAT's ALL for TODAY! Chiao!

Those days in the small room downstairs Part I

2010-04-24T22:18:00.000-07:00

Oh Dear God oh, I can't believe that its been 2 years. This is kind of a farewell entry, will sound a little sad, but everything will come to its end, and this is it. Staying in ss2 for almost 2 years. I never expect time could really run so fast, its like we have been experiencing live and dead like a real grown-ups. However, for me, everything has gone out of the rail, badly not in the right way.

Its about end of May 2008, we moved into this house in ss2. Everyone who decided to shift to this house, have their own bad memories from the previous, so as I. We finally found this house after traveling around different areas, and this house is the best among all, and we decided to rent it. I guess that's why this house is like a shelter, and is like a reborn for each of us. Started with 4 of us, I enjoyed the moments and process of how it is started. Contracts, furniture, housemies and friends. Laughters and melodies, flying in the air of the summer days.

Because of these excellent people in this house, it become the most happening and popular place in ss2 (self claimed). It is just like a hub, when people don't have any idea of where to go to, here they will think of,because of these excellent people living in this house. Assignments, parties, alcohol even gambling, all happened here. You may think all these are just fine, that is because I haven't mentioned about the prostitution once happened in this house in my housemie's room on his bed (people, I guess you know who am I talking about).Imagine how sinful this house is.

Picture taken during one of our classmate's birthday party. From left, Kelly, Stef, Huat, Ming Nyet, me and Jun.

Video that taken during my birthday last year, nice one, TRIO!

I miss all of them in this house, I miss how we were happily hanging out nicely together, I miss those old days. They were so nice to me, but now I could only feel hates from them. I hope that is because I have been thinking too much, same time I hope they could tell me what went wrong that loose all these ties. I am not a good person, I guess many bad things about me inside their minds, but I still hope I could listen to what they are actually thinking about. I guess there are maybe a lot of misunderstandings, which I never explained, and also some bad rumors about me, which has been modified into worse version. I just wanna know.

Though truths are hard to digest, but I wish I would know before I leave, before everyone leaves. Hell those rumors and misunderstandings, I wanna make sure everything go smoothly and get back to its way before I leave.

More pictures will be uploaded soon.

My ex-boyfriend

2010-04-20T20:04:00.000-07:00

Waken up by a weird dream. What the hell, I was actually sacrificed myself to save my ex-boyfriend and his girlfriend! I forgot about the story but remembered I was saying goodbye with him with a friend hug, then the scene changed, he got into trouble, and with his girlfriend beside him. I noticed they were in the deep shit, so I saved them. I forgot about the exact story, but was some sort of making myself to stay in hell and rescued them from demon.

I know that sound like I am still missing or loving him, but in fact no. I dont have any idea why such kind of dream will haunt my soundly night, freak the hell out of me. Actually, the break up with him was not really a nice one and he probably has blocked me from his friend list or had just deleted my name. Probably he had even forgotten my name and my existence in his life. Tell you what, I dont care!

I could foresee something, that he would end up marrying to an superb ordinary girl, nerd or something. Not even 1% better than any of his ex-girlfriends in the long list. I am not cursing him, just foresee something, he would not feeling amiss with my statements, but I would say, my intuition is always so strong and damn accurate which no one can doubt about it. So, wait and see.

But, if one day I accidentally bump into him in any place on the earth, I would definitely greet him or have a short chit-chat with him, and not to forget to show him my dreadful smile LOL. Hope he would do the same to me. However, I thank him for giving me a lot of memories, some even had changed me into a better person. Also, everything he had done for me at that time. He was a great boyfriend, at least he is way better than me, I was not a great girlfriend, up to today. I wish him to have a better future, shine and bright all the way!

P.S.: Don't haunt me in my dream anymore! I will miss you anyway!

My Pretty Pettish Pets

2010-04-11T09:26:00.000-07:00

I love animals very much, and I would always shower them with my overloaded love. However, animals don't seem to love me, I don't know why, they just hate me. I thought I have been very nice to them, but they bite me in return.Awww...upset me so much!

I used to dream that if one day I am allowed to have any animal I like, I have made a pet list for myself, in case if one day, the most authorized people in the world give me such privilege to own any animal I like.

1. Panda
They are just so adorable, love their lazy attitude. Especially when they are eating bamboo leaves, the laziness is just beyond words.

2. Tiger
I remember when I first saw the cute cubs playing with their mother, that was umpteen years ago from TV, I asked my dad if I could feed a tiger cub at home too? And he replied, before you get to see them grow bigger, they have eaten you up already!

3. Penguin
I love penguin since primary kid, I think that is all because I got penguin soft toy and it looks real adorable, I love how people cartoon it in fat, chubby and furry creature.

Actually, I love any kind of animal except reptiles and human. Animals have their own thinking too, just like man do, the different thing is, they think funnily and man think evilly. That is why I love animal so much, even though they hate me.I still love them, no matter how I am attacked by them, I still love them.

I got a few of my pet's photo:

Wong Wong, I adopted him together with a few of housemates from IKANO. He gave me a lot of memories, silly, dumb dumb, and naughty. He is a very tame doggy, but quite stereotype in the sense when he saw darker skinned people, he barked like nobody business and I lectured him on this sensitive issue. He ran away from home, I think it is basically because he fall in love with a bitch. He used to love me.

Fat Fat, I insisted call her Fat Fat, because she got a fat tummy. She know I love her, and I was always the one who 'layan' her and play with her violently. But she died few months ago, guess she was really old or maybe suffered from any illness or disorder such as depression, traumatized or anorexia or broken heart, she refused to consume any food before she left us. Maybe being too emotional also one of the factors that made her unwell. She never experienced any romance or intimacy with tom cat. Quite pity actually, but she is uniquely different from any other kitty. I miss her!

Peanut & Butter, Winter White hammies..I particularly love Butter simply because he is fatter ,lazier, more cunning and glutton. Love they way he eat at the same time dozing off. Peanut ran away, acted Prison Break after I got them home only few days. while Butter nicely staying in the crib and eating non-stopping. Guess that's why I love him much than other. After peanut's in-loyally ran away, I got another hammie namely Cheese to accompany Butter. God knows I brought disaster to Butter that sent him to heaven.Butter and Cheese both died, guess Cheese was disease carrier and brought it to Butter that led both of them died. I kept on blaming myself for not paying more care on them.

And NOW, I got another two baby hammies, Roborovski this time. Both of them are cute and super duper hyperactive. I can't even play with them, they just ignore me. No pictures of them to be uploaded here yet, but will be uploading soon maybe in the entry later. However, I won't let any previous incidents happen again. Will also give them all my love, and make them the happiest hammies in the world.LOL!

Don't put me in the old folk's home!!

2010-04-07T18:40:00.000-07:00

I should not question much, because I realized, people with loads of questions and doubts will not end up in a happy ending.Meaning, people who always wanna seek the real meaning, the real answer and the real fact will be the unhappiest one.

I don't wanna be unhappy, that is so creepy. Imagine that I will end up be an unhappy folk, will be sitting on a wheelchair, drinking a cup of Ceylon tea (Ceylon tea kosong, insisted) with a trembling hand and questioning about why is life so? Talking to nobody besides me, talking to the air, and those rude and probably rough nurses will come and ask me to shut up!

OMG, I dont wanna end up to be like this, where my kids hate me and put me in the cheapest old folk's home they could ever get and always forget to pay up the bills.Such pathetic life will never ever happen on Tan Shwu Zhen!

Okay, since I dont wanna be dumped, I will try to be an unconscious nut. I heard of that insane people are the happiest one in the world.So, if I could be that happy, is not a bad thing hey!

By the way, why normal people are not blessed with burden-less and fully freedom of whatever they want to? Oh come on, not again!

Dateline is due

2010-04-02T05:48:00.000-07:00

FYP dateline is due, as informed, there's no extension of dateline in this world.

Repeatedly uttered by the evil side of me, 'You should rest more!'

Arghh...I can't get myself haunted, I must concentrate! You bloody devil get the hell out of my mind!

OMG! Thinking Technique's dateline is due too, on the same damn day!

Come my angel side of me, come and save my soul, you know I need help very much!

Photo of the boredom

The Outing

2010-03-29T07:21:00.000-07:00

Sad, Putting on weight and urgently need help from somebody!

-by a desperate girl-

Forgot to upload another picture and forgot to say something about the outing last time (about two weeks ago). With a so-called long lost friend(guy) and LY.

That was overall a nice outing, after quite some time. It was like an old friends' gathering.

Here to introduce da guy, namely Gackt, who is lost for dont know how many years and days, bumped into us at Ball Night..(even thou this fella keep on denying and saying that he didn't see us that night, but both of us saw him) His name is a special one, but when I first heard about this name, Gackt, I linked these few words with 'Jacket'...haha,I am a little bit off, so bear with me!

Anyways, he denied that he saw us on that night, so I will investigate on this matter and LY will assist me..HAHA

Aside from that, I would like to share a little about the outing:

I am not going to tell where was the venue, but that is some sort of American restaurant.

The meeting was nice indeed, exclude the awkward ambient, the awkward topics and the awkward waiters who awkwardly and sarcastically served us. Then everything was fine.

Gackt brought 3 cameras there, wanted to take some pictures, yet me and LY were so camera shy and refused to be snapped. Actually I am not as photogenic as LY , some more I put on weight a lot, dare not to show others my double chins, that will be very no manners. But due to the audience high demand, we finally took a photo together with a really nice Polaroid camera.

Here's the picture, as the original picture is not with me, I could only have a picture of the picture...sound so pity

This kind of "ba-bei' camera make the picture precious, and trio of us could only share one..Nah, what so cock!?we took some pictures of that picture, so we could have more copies of it.

For the purpose of shocking-sendiri

AND

Da-Dang!~

All of us look nice lah, still boleh tahan!

TOO BORED TO BE DEAD

2010-03-29T03:48:00.000-07:00

TOO BORED TO BE DEAD!

What should I touch on? 3D? Website? Thinking Technique?

Holy Shit, there is NONE I favor!!

I know I am supposed to do my FYP now instead of blog...But I cant do anything right now as I was asked to wait slowly, cos there are 20 more FYPs on her desk,and I am perhaps the 21st or maybe worse..my little poor (36 pieces of paper which cost me RM 7.20 + RM 0.50 charges for internet = RM 7.70) FYP is queuing for slaughtering, cant really bear to imagine how is she going to be slaugthered in the Operation Room

AND all I can do is to wait...and I left all things undone there..

==cool supervisor and unlucky me==

By The Way,

Some sweet encounters in this morning during Communication Law lecture, and I can conclude, Advertising students and Broadcasting students are all people from Creative industry, so facts and laws bore them. Here is the prove:

half of the class, AVs and BCs are sleeping while lecturer is teaching in front, and I am trying to join them.....

special note to Shin2:

JIA YOU BA!

My work was terrible....however, she didn't even mention about urs is terrible as mine,at least not that bad ba?!

心力交瘁了

2010-03-24T16:55:00.000-07:00

不知道是不是因为经历太多还是真的老了，我开始觉得有点心力交瘁了。

昨天发了点脾气，在朋友面前，其实也觉得自己过分了。不知怎么的，我开始很难去控制自己的脾气。

以前总会配合别人，总是告诉自己忍着点，就算委屈，也不要生气。我最怕的，就是因为争吵而破坏彼此的感情。不管是家人或是朋友，为了避免不必要的争执，我会选择沉默，或是假装听不见。

我想，我为什么会那么的感情用事，发脾气，也许是因为我觉得很孤单吧。大家都想要得到好的成果，但都让我觉得不怎么努力。如果想每每都走捷径的话，就别想要求进步了。错了，就改，失败了，再试！这有什么难呢？从来就没有行或不行，只有要或不要，不是吗？也许是理念和想法都不一样，我的这些想法都变成了咄咄逼人的一种毒药。人闻人惊。

我其实不是生气吧，只是感到失望。

Im a Pessimistic Perfectionist

2010-02-28T10:29:00.000-08:00

Problem will get worse if that was mankind handling it. But time different, it dissolves everything, everything that we think is so hard to be solved.

Read the old entries of blog, realized my stupidity and thought of deleting some of them. Yet, I found them a good evident that m actually growing older, and more toning down, so I decided to keep them with my weblog. Time flies, and it did take away some really bad memories formally, things are seemingly slowing down. Just a little here and there giving me more problems, but there are no perfection in life, things shouldn't be perfect either way. So, who the hell cares?!

Many thoughts miscellaneously came across my mind today, I remembered how I was accused, I remembered how I was being hated. Ha, hell I don't really care, those things for me are entertainment now.Maybe, years ago, I will be very angry for some untrue accusations, I will not say that were defamation, because that was actually not a big deal. Everyone everyday says something defamatory about ones. They talk due to what they think, from their point of view, that's their imagination or can be said creativity, so just let them be creative!

I remembered, how I was labeled as 'perfectionist', haha, but in a bad way! They think I've expected too much from others. When people working with me, they dislike me cos m a damn perfectionist that pressure them to hell. I admit it, actually admitted it long ago. I don't like to argue, and I will try to sarcastically respond:

My sisters dislike me,cos m not a good sister, they dare not ask any help from me, cos I would nag then I would teach them how to do instead of do it for them. Dislike aroused, hatred grow. None I done will be a good thing for them.Ok Ok, I don't care, I won't angry because if u are seeing me as somebody u dislike very much, have guts and come defeat me and make me silent for my entire life. Don't feel hatred but still doing the same old things repeatedly and never improved!

I 'hearsay' People dislike me because I am very pessimistic. Yes, I am pessimistic, that's me. When I think positively, u will think I am a nut that or over react or maybe will think that I am over confident yet not capable at all. When I feel sad, U would say I am always so negative and dare not to talk to me. It can't work either way, I won't respond, because there's no point for me to explain to people that won't listen to others and won't understand others' feeling. So, I shut my mouth up.

I will shut my mouth up because I am a damn perfectionist that very pessimistic and always expect a lot from others but not capable at all.

End here, goodnight!

怕黑

2009-11-08T01:29:00.000-08:00

我。。。其实很害怕黑。很惊讶吧？我这种外表坚强到很难以相处的人，为什么怕黑？
从小，就常会被噩梦惊醒，四周没人，只有被我在四周摆得满满的洋娃娃。从小，就觉得四周围的洋娃娃可以带给我安全感。它们每一个都有自己的工作岗位，我最爱的会被摆在靠我最近的地方，我不爱的，就只能乖乖的呆在脚下成为我的守护者。我怕黑，因为它让我非常的无助。
我甚至可以为了逃离黑暗，寻找安全感而作出很多人都无法想象的事。这一点，在我中学时的一个生活营中被我自己发现到的。

当时我们每一个人都被安排坐在一个伸手不见五指的树林里，我害怕得全身发抖，四周静得只能够听见昆虫的叫声。对我来说，其实不只是昆虫的叫声罢了，还有一些更可怕的声音。于是我鼓起勇气，大喊，有人在吗？听见队友就在我不远的前方，我这个夜盲摸黑地走到她那一头
两人开心的相拥。后来，当我被发现不在自己的地方时，我被训了一顿教官后来特地将我的这一段在集会时对所有人说大家的反应开始时是非常的惊讶的，全场一片哗然。

其实教官生气的原因是，我不顾规则，不顾他们的警告私自离开，万一发生不幸，或是失踪，这些都是没有人敢想象的。可是在贬我的话当中，却还是被他们赞了一句勇敢，因为没有人敢在漆黑的环境下行动，只有我。

我当时好想哭，因为对我来说，那并不是我的勇敢，而是我被环境所逼，因为害怕而做出的举动。并不会有人了解我的无助，我很怕黑，很害怕很多事情，因为并不会有人知道黑暗给我带来的恐惧！

黑眼圈

Live Excellently!

2009-11-08T00:22:00.000-08:00

It's been really a long time since my last wrote, it's been very long time I couldn't even set myself free to think, to feel and to relax.Those are something which I am not allowed to do in my current life. I always remind myself, that I have more and more to do, instead of emotionally think of the other matters for my future.

My life is so unsecured, I dare not to sleep in the place where I am not comfortable with, I afraid of one day just after I fell asleep and I could never wake up again. Even in the dream, when I noticed I was in a dream, I called my name repeatedly waking myself up from the fake scene. I need to make my mind clear all the time, I need to pinch myself or even scold myself vulgarly, to make sure my mind is ready for everything. A storm, a thunder or a heavy rain will freak me out especially when I was asleep.

The miserable experiences in my life are not backing me off. The only thing that make myself weak is my own principle, which I will never bow to the golden feces. I don't love money, it is the most evil thing in this world. Money is created because of humans greediness and selfishness. What makes me today, is the ugliness of humans behavior and the stinkiness of money. What is there I could do more for myself? The answer is no, nothing. I must bow to the money, because I want to make a change to my life.

Once, I thought myself is intelligent enough to see through the true color behind the skin, and yes, I am really that capable to do so, but people change. I forgot, everything will change from time to time, both ups and downs change a person to another person. That's enough, I won't ever give a shit on what is right or what is wrong in my life, I want myself back. Mourning for my dead soul, I have been asking myself, why am I doing all these things which I dislike about? Responsibilities tied me over the things which I hate the most.

There are people I should care about, I couldn't run away from them, because of the responsibility. I owe to them, such a heavy word, but that is true. I wish I could live excellently, live for the real meaning of my life. Before I could make it, I must make it happen on the life of everyone around me. I could give up on lipsticks, mascara and branded shoes, just to invest the money on your dream.

What I was always nagging on you is not because I was eating your heart out, I just wanted you to seek of the meaning of your life. I want you to live excellently, don't have to bother what people has doubted about you, just do yourself, find out who you are and who you want to be.

All the responsibilities I have been carrying, is not about praises and awards to ask from you. I willing to carry everything for you, just want you to find out your own life by yourself. To seek out what is the most important thing that you should do now. I want you to be very alert on everyone in this world, just in case if one day, I am no longer there for you, so I am here now to remind you. Go, go for your life, a positive and healthy way which could lead you to a brighter future! I could sacrifice mine for you, just need your cooperation to make it happen. I don't know how much in this letter you would really bear in mind, but I must say before everything is too late.

Do not respect money, materials and power, but respect your own success and be our proud!

To my younger sisters and brother who still have a long way to go in their lives.
I wish they could live better than me, do things they really passion about, and be loved because of their excellences!

Loved
Y'alls 3rd Sis

I completely, need to speak up

2008-09-06T03:55:00.000-07:00

I should speak up my mind someday, I always tell myself so, but time runs out and I am not allowed to do so. Days after days, I slowly forgot what I should say, and what I should explain. Sometimes, people may think that I lie a lot, oh, please forgive me that I am not an expert to tell u everything in detail. Most of the time, I am stabbed by other people's imagination or can be said story crackers.

I am okay with all these so called 'other people imagination', people may find I am a bad girl, I am fine with that. But now I realise, I should have explained more while misunderstandings arouse between me and those people I cherish much. I could not bear to notice it getting deeper and I couldn not bear to see them leaving. That is so No Way! A lot of things, I found it's too late for me to explain, and many of them has left.

Sorry that I am not a really good person who speak everything in detail to make you understand, as I've been such a fool thinking everyone would understand what I was talking about. Most of the time, I am getting lazy to explain more, all because I think there's no any big deal to explain. But, misunderstandings still happen. Inclusive of my friends, I meant close ones, my siblings and whoever that worked together with me. I must confess that I am not a 'really that friendly' person, all I do based on what I think. Sometimes, I may think of something that is just popped up in my mind out of nowhere, and I may look seriuos, or maybe silly. Perhaps because of my seriousness, people think I am ignorant.

I am not a nice talker, I do speak sacarstically sometimes, that is, for me, so hard for not being so. I hate scolding people, because it won't make me feel any better, same goes to hating people. It doesn't really work yet turn me depressed. In my own way, I think mocking with them in humourous tone would soften the tense. AND, I always think that they would understand, that I didn't mean to hurt anybody, just hope that they could get me.

I could sense while they, deliberately teasing me with a different kind of tone, that were not some friendly ones, but due to not to hurt anyone or our relationship, I chose not to explain, and admitted it. I could still remember the scene, and the teasing words, they hurt alot. Eventhough I have short memory, but those words carved in my mind and that is like forever.

What I hope is, everything getting better from now on. I decided to speak up, from now on!

Getting very late, I need to continue on my crappy assignment.

Night

我要心灵的快乐

2008-08-16T08:47:00.000-07:00

久违了的部落格，我回来了。

晴

渐渐长大，我以为我会有更多的能耐能够解决一些事情。但原来并不是这样子。我发现我的能力范围变得越来越小，小得让我真的好想逃离这里，当作自己什么都不知道。

小时候，我要的是幸福，长大一点了，我发现我追求的是生活，在大一点，我发现我要的是金钱。而现在，我要的是自由。我要我的思想是自由的，我要我的言语是自由的，我更想要我的生活是自由的。不被约束在被人的管辖中，不必跟着别人所订下的规矩做事，不必听太多人的劝告，我也希望自己可以不必对身边的事务负责。

我以为自己能够掌握住一切，自己真的能够改变结局，但原来不是。我希望自己的状态能够一直保持在最佳，但效果往往是相反的。我开始怀疑，什么是人生。我更怀疑，我一直以来要的是什么。我以为我一开始就很确定自己想要走的路，但我想到未来的一切，和现在所发生的事情，我开始觉得胆怯，我开始放纵自己，我开始不顾一切后果，我也开始变了。

我知道自己的做法很自私，也很直接的害到了自己，但我却没有办法说服我自己去振作。我想开始，我想进步，我努力了一次，但我失败了。我恨我自己的改变，我恨我自己明明很在乎，却又必须装作没一回事。我恨我自己的伪装，明明很容易被影响，却还一脸很无情的样子。我恨我昨天的错，我知道那已经过去了，但我仍然很我自己知道那样不对，却还是做了。

我多么的讨厌我现在的人生，我想追求那最基本的心灵快乐，我的心灵，真的很不快乐。说不上来到底是怎么一回事，在别人眼中，我还是以前的我，但我心里知道，自己已不是从前的自己。该怎么去鼓励我自己，谁能够真地了解我？在这些痛苦的日子里，我失去的，已永远无法弥补，我想问问上天，是不是搞错了？还是不小心从我身上拿走了太多的东西了？能不能开起一条机会的路，让我从拾我的信心？

黑眼圈

女人

2008-06-26T04:35:00.000-07:00

女人，女人
有时我因你而感到气愤
有时我却为你感到心痛
那是相连的感受
有时我以为你的细心温柔会懂
但你却粗心大意的忘了我的感受

女人，女人
有时我因为你的憔悴而担忧
有时我却又被你的坚强打动
我想那是相连的感受
有时我以为你会忍着不说
但你却还是经不住煎熬而满脸泪流

女人，女人
有时我以为你是最坚强的肋骨
有时我以为你是最脆弱的钢盾
这应该是相连的感受
有时我祈求让你是快乐的
但我却无法做到让你成为最快乐的人

女人，女人
有时人生不能带领我们应该走的方向
有时我们也没有办法决定我们的方向
是相连的感受
有时候当你觉得无助时
我却比你更加得无助与失落

女人，女人
有时我真得很想对你说出我的心情
有时我因为听了你的苦水后而淌血
我们有相连的感受
有时你的伪装真的让我心痛
我却还硬着心肠假装我自己不懂

女人，女人
有时我真希望自己能承担你所有的痛
有时我希望你抛开过去变得更加振作
你和我有相连的感受
有时在你微笑的背后
我总是看到你无助与沧桑的寂寞

女人，女人
有时候我真希望你看到我叛逆的背后
有时候我想让你明白伪装的痛与难过
我相信是相连的感受
有时你不用说话
我已经知道你这一切都是为了我们而受

女人，女人
你也会有权利任性
只要有我
我想让你知道幸福从来都不会被安排在前头
后面的日子才是我们所谓的幸福甜头

女人。

--黑眼圈--

那天

2008-04-08T08:23:00.000-07:00

见他过得还不错，也替他感到开心。也许他只是看起来很不错，也许他比我想象中还过得不错。
我不知道，也不确定，因为我其实一点都不了解他。我从来都不曾听见他真正的感受，他也从来不透漏一点他心里的感受。

我以为我自己很厉害，可以猜透每一个人的心。但原来我错了，不是我可以猜透他人的心，而是其他人从来不刻意掩饰自己的情感。而他，总是把自己的心保护得那么紧，我钻不进，更猜不透。

那天的相处，那样的距离和那小小的雨，感觉很新，感觉很熟悉，但真正的距离却还是很远很远。因为我真的不了解他。没关系了，一切都已经没关系了，可以继续当无话不谈的朋友，我就已经非常开心了。曾几何时，我们是那么的要好，但却又是那么的不要好。与其停留在摸不清的状况之下，我们停下脚步，各自往各自该去的地方去，又何尝不是件好事？

以前这两个字，提起了，总觉得是不对的。但若不提，就好像少了很多话题。我才发现，回忆是多么的重要啊。少了回忆，就构不成一个完整的句子，也少了完整的故事。攀着回忆，我才能往前爬，我才有勇气去面对我的未来，我相信他也一样。

希望，他真的是像我所见到的他一样，过得很好。

平凡

2008-03-28T23:18:00.000-07:00

灿烂的城市灯火，繁忙的都市人，总会参插着一些平凡的、不被关注的脚步。当他们偶尔被发现的时候，却是因为步伐太慢，而被别人认为是在耽误他人的时间。他也有一些朋友，但他总是默默的躲在角落，朋友甚至会忘了他的存在。有时候，他也怀疑自己的朋友是否还记得他，是否把他视为朋友。他也想和朋友聊一些有争论性的话题，他也想将自己的观点表达出来，但他的声音总是那么的弱，总会被别人的欢笑声淹没。

中学的时候，他总是最安静的。因为样子长得太平凡了，没有多少人会去注意他。老师都比较照顾学业成绩较差的同学，也非常疼爱成绩好的同学，而他的成绩不算好，也不算差，但老师偏偏会忘了他。学校主办的一日游，班上所有同学都报名了，他也不例外。因为集合时迟了两分钟，他匆忙赶到学校时，已人去楼空。第二天，同学们都开心地讨论着一日游的趣事，只有他，静静的坐在一旁听同学一举手，一投足地谈论着。

班上有位长得很漂亮的女同学，好多男生都倾慕他，他也不例外。那位女同学的功课非常好，常常有男同学向她请教不明白的地方，他也好想像其他男生一样，主动地去和她说话，但因为自己平凡的样子，他也只能静静的坐在角落，看着女同学的背影。他好希望有一天能走在女孩的身边，告诉女孩自己的名字，向女孩问安，但他平凡的外貌一直失败了他。

他总是很用心的做自己的事，在工作上，他的认真是 100%的。但在上司眼里，他的表现是平凡的。他也有很棒的才华，他甚至是个电脑天才，但在大家眼里，他只是个在电脑公司上班的普通员工。他认真地对待他生活的每一个细节，他从不忽略他身边的每一个人，但自己却一直是被忽略的。他并不埋怨，因为他已习惯了这样子的生活方式，一个人做自己的事，一个人回家，一个人吃饭。他甚至不介意被别人当笑柄，即使别人用刻薄的话伤害他，他也不以为意。他并没有因为这样而憎恶那些人，因为，他习惯了用真心待人。看到不错的女生，他向女生微笑，女生一脸尴尬的转身和身边的同事窃窃私语，过后，那女生总是刻意的远离他。他知道的，他并没有渴望些什么，因为他实在是太不起眼，太平凡了。

他常常会和一些男同事一起用餐，当同事们聊到股票、市场、和工作的时候，他很想纠正他们的想法，因为他认为大家的想法都太偏激了。因为他有自己的观点，他想说话，但就是缺乏了机会。当他们聊到了女人，和女伴昨夜的激情，和女友的亲密互动时，他吞了一口自己的口水。他发现自己是多么的饥渴，多么向往一段恋爱，但是因为自己太平凡了，女人都看不上他。他回想起公司的那位女生，他伤心的低下头，没有人发现他的自卑，更没有人发现他正伤心。

那一夜，他独自走在阴暗的小巷，几个带有很重乡音的女人，抽着烟，站在路旁聊天。她们穿着性感，但都长得不漂亮，当他走过那几个女人的身旁时，那又浓又重的香水味让他顿时陷入迷惘。他并不喜欢那样的味道，他也没有对那几个女人有好感，但那几个女人却让他联想到了他渴望的性爱与激情。他想起了公司的那位女同事，他想起了高中时的漂亮女孩，他想让这一切变得真实，不是愤怒，也不是想找个替代品。他只觉得自己的悲哀，只能够用自己辛苦赚来的钱换取躺在他身边，那个他一点都不爱的女人。每一天，他都会走过那条巷子，每一天都会将保险套带在身边，每一天，他都和那些她不爱的女人纠缠。

公司传来裁员的消息，大家为了能够保住自己的饭碗，努力的工作。他也一样，工作的比平时更佳的努力。他一直认为自己是最努力的，因为他总是认真地对待每一件事。但他的上司却说，他并没有为公司带来些什么贡献，表现也平平，所以，他被牺牲了。当上司将解雇信和合约上所签署的三个月薪金交给他时，他的心情是平和的，他并没有为自己辩驳，只是很认命的收下了。带着属于自己的东西，他离开了。他带走的东西并不多，但警卫却很仔细的重复检查，觉得他好像会带走属于公司物品一样。他觉得自己好像是个犯人，经过他身边的人，都回头看他一眼，因为他低着头领着一个箱子，而警卫却不断的搜查他。他的离开，对其他同事来说，是件很理所当然的事情。大家并没有因为他的离去而变得沉默，更没有因为他被牺牲而感到同情。那一天，他发现那位女同事注视着他，不久，女同事的高跟鞋声响他逼近，他不敢抬头望着她，因为他又想起自己被她疏离的那种尴尬画面。就这样，渐渐的，那高跟鞋声从他身旁溜走了，女同事走进了他身后的休息室，并没有瞧他一眼。

他一个人，坐在离公司不远处的一个石灰椅上，开始为他这悲哀的一生哭泣。这是他第一次，因为自己的人生而哭泣。他想起父母双亡后一直照顾他的祖母，他哭泣。他想起一直给他鼓励与温暖的祖母，他哭泣。他想起五年前祖母的逝世，他放声的哭泣。老师忽略他、朋友忘记他、女人看不起他、公司否定他，就连警卫都不相信他。他怀疑他一出生，就注定要成为一个平凡，又不起眼的人。他恨老天爷对他不公平，他终于对自己的一生感到憎恶。他想被别人看见，他想成为每一个人的焦点，他更想让瞧不起她的女人佩服他。

带着一身的愤怒，他再次经过那条巷子，发泄他自己对女人的兽欲，骑在他所谓的女人身上，支配他那用钱换来的女人。回到属于他一个人的小房子，他躺在属于自己的小床上，用属于他自己的笔记型电脑，设计了一个属于他自己的电脑病毒。他利用自己设计的病毒，侵入了所有大型公司的电脑系统，将电脑系统里的账号都搞混了。整座城市在一夜间都变了，大家都慌了，只有他在微笑。他为自己的作为感到骄傲，他知道这一次，他终于将自己的才能表现出来了。

他得到了自己给的荣耀，但他还是哭了。因为，并没有人认同他的做法，警方通缉他，他变成了逃犯。没有人敢伤害他，因为没有人能够破除他的病毒，除了他自己。他曾经工作的公司同事都在寻找他的下落，没有人能联络上他，包括那位女同事。第二天一早，他曾经就职的公司警卫向警方报案，发现他卧倒在公司门口，躺在血泊中的他，再次得到了所有人的关注。当天，女同事也在自己的桌上发现了一个光碟，是他放的。

献给那些自认平凡的人，不要认为自己不受到别人的关注，至少我看到了你。

黑眼圈

我们怎么了？

2008-02-26T02:47:00.000-08:00

我不是不在意，而是不想去在意那么多。

我想说，“朋友，我其实很珍惜你。”

晴

昨天下了一场大雨，但当时的我正呼呼大睡。当我看出窗外，潮湿的空气带给我的第一个想法是，我错过了这一场雨。也许是当我真的闷得发黄的时候，唯有天空可以作伴，就像是一个好朋友，你会一直关心他的心情，关心他的近况。我对天空的感觉也是如此，当他哗啦哗啦地把雨下时，我总觉得他好像不忍看到了些什么，又或者因为谁而伤心了。他总是阴晴不定的，让我也开始为他担忧了。

我不爱看见朋友不开心，想到他们为了某些事情而烦恼时，自己也跟着烦恼。希望自己的一些话语，甚至是一些傻动作，能够使他们从悲伤和烦恼中爬出来。

那天，我回想到了从前，自己也仿佛回到了当年，有好多朋友作伴的日子。我怀念那样的时光，怀念睡前的一些聊天及废话。我还记得我们一早醒来后，总会一起回顾前一晚的笑话，我好怀念那样子的时光。是不是一切都真的变了？大家各忙各的，你睡着了，我也睡着了，这个过程总是那么安静的。我们心里头好像有个不小心系上的结，它其实是隐形的、不存在的，但却让大家都心有余悸，而变得更加的沉默。

或许那之中有好多的误会，又或许是种种的巧合，我们被疏离了。我的生活中有太多的或许，因为我总是没办法得到一个完整的答案。“我们到底怎么了？”

我怀念从前的欢笑声，我更怀念彼此交换心声的时候，总是那么的坦白，那么的真。有时真的很沮丧，因为一面白色的写字板上，大家只看到那一点黑点，而都忘了这一大片白板。我用了真心，只希望这一颗真心可以得到回应。

黑眼圈

祝我情人节快乐

2008-02-14T07:30:00.000-08:00

又过了一天，前几天的我是麻木的，几天的通宵后，我终于可以放松一点了。其实有一点希望今天的我也一样的忙着作业，直到累得再也没法把眼睛睁开的时候，至少我的思绪不是寂寞的。今天是情人节，好多朋友都翘课和情人约会去了，感觉自己好像是头长得很抱歉的驴子，没人认领。

莉云约我去Mid Valley逛街，和她的男朋友一起去。我想我再不识趣也不应该“亮”到情人节的时候和他们去逛街吧？硬推了，就算很寂寞，我都不去。我一直让自己开心一点，心里一直安慰自己，告诉自己情人节并没有什么，不过也无所谓，但越是这样想，我越觉得自己很可怜。

虽然收到了一束花，但我并不是那么的快乐，只看了那束花几眼，就搁在一旁了。抱着一束花在校园里走动，对我来说是很不自在的。大家的眼神都注视着我，让我觉得有点尴尬。好了，好不容易撑到了家里，又有一点后悔了，好想改变主意，但我还是阻止了我自己。回到家里，又收到了另一份礼物，他认为我会很惊喜，但我早就料到会有这样的结果，他不能来。我硬是对着镜头微笑，眼睛里挂着一点点的眼泪并没有被他发现。我没有生气，只是觉得有点失望。

我们想法的差异或许就在这里吧，好多事情对我来说不重要的，他却觉得很重要；好多事情他觉得我会喜欢的，其实我并不喜欢。虽然我收到了他的心意，但我并没有觉得很快乐，他不了解，我其实并不需要花束或任何礼物，没有一样东西能比得上他在我眼前出现更让我觉得惊喜。情人节的意义对我来说，并不是浪漫和甜蜜，而是一个可以见面的日子。

很幸运的是，小鸡结束了约会后就回来了，更幸运的是，她也还没吃晚餐。跑到了SS2的火锅店吃火锅，好久没和小鸡单独出门吃饭了，其实也蛮兴奋的。很感激她，至少我的情人节不是一个有没有晚餐吃的日子。常常因为没人陪我吃晚餐而不吃，还借口说是减肥，却也从来都没被别人发现。其实也不错了，我的情人节也有大餐吃，只是少了个情人。

P.S.:小鸡，谢谢你的陪伴!

黑眼圈

爸爸的微笑

2008-01-30T05:48:00.000-08:00

说了短短的几个字后，就没了。原以为他已将电话挂上，才惊觉，原来他没有。我偷偷的听着电话那一头的状况，没有听见任何的对话，只有陆续的咳嗽声，和哒、哒、哒、哒的声音。我想，他正使用着放在桌上的计算机吧？因为和电话摆在一起，所以听得特别清楚。他咳得好辛苦，我才又开始回想他的样子，心想，“他应该又老了吧。”

也许这就是血脉相连，他在那一头的孤独，就和我在这一头的孤独是成对比的。我们好久都没有开开心心的谈话，也好久没有开开心心的吃一顿饭了。总是羡慕朋友有个美满的家庭，因为在自己的记忆中，幸福美满的画面总是那么少。

曾经很叛逆，三不五时往朋友家混，甚至不想回家，因为我不喜欢我的家。它总是很吵闹，总是有好多的问题，我不喜欢那种感觉，宁愿回家被痛骂一顿，要不然就是当在告诉妈妈我到朋友家过夜的时候听她罗索很久。我很爱哭，每当发生了一些不如意的事情，就会跑到朋友的家里痛哭一场，在家人没有发觉我不开心的情况下，我已在朋友家疗伤了好几天。那几天的失踪，爸爸却没发掘到，过了几天，当问起我的时候，妈妈才告诉他，我去了那里。因为这样，我觉得自己一直被忽略，即使真得失踪了，也许家人会在一个礼拜后才发现吧。

其实我是很受爸爸的疼爱的，只是我不喜欢那一种感觉，总是觉得这样子的疼爱，有好多好多的缺陷。爸爸曾经为了让我开心，花了好多的金钱，更放下了他平日在家里的威严。那一慕，至今还清楚地浮现我的脑海中，我还任性的说，“我不要这样的！”爸爸露出一脸的无奈说：“都买了，还能怎样呢？”

总是会吵着爸爸让我参加一些活动，爸爸都只是静静地说：“哦。”爸爸和我们的对话不多，平时的一个点头，一声答应，都会让我开心好久。爸爸总会答应我任何一个请求，他对我特别宽容，这是其他姐妹在家中所享有不到的特权。如果说，今世所生的女儿，都是上一时的情人，我想我应该是上一世，爸爸欠我的最多的吧。

我总爱挑战爸爸那不苟言笑的样子，偶尔会说些笑话给他听，有时还会出些白痴问题让他回答。很开心的是，我竟然成功了！大家都笑了，包括爸爸。可能是我在姐妹中，和爸爸长得最像吧，又或许是只有我是不会向爸爸低头的，爸爸总是拿我没办法。

爸爸很喜欢听我弹钢琴，因为每当我看见爸爸一位工作及种种压力而皱起眉头的时候，我就觉得很难过，想伸手帮帮他，但却又没有那种能力。我能做的，就是伸出双手，弹几首优雅的音乐，让他放松一下。爸爸曾经向朋友说，我是最懂他的女儿，也是他最疼爱的女儿，这样一句话，让我感到很欣慰。

曾经，我怨恨他让我迷失，让我对生命没有了希望。我甚至为了他，有过轻身的念头，但回头想想，这样做，又有什么帮助呢？若我的离开不能解决一切的话，那我的离开会有什么样的意义呢？那一天，他的一句爸爸爱你，让我突然一阵心寒，在爸爸的心里，我还是他的女儿，但我往自己的心里一探，我发觉在我的心里，爸爸的位置已经被搁到一边了。终于我了解了，我不怪他了，我要他做些他不愿意做的事，就算他为了我改变决定，我想他也一样不会快乐吧。我的目的，应该是要他好好照顾他自己，别抽太多烟，别和太多酒，而不是要他为我做些他没完成的事情。我想告诉爸爸，“虽然你做的一些事情曾让我一直无法谅解，但都算了吧。现在，我只希望你的每一天都是顺利的，我真得好希望在次看见你的微笑，那偶尔因为我们的天真而展露的微笑。”

送给爸爸，
黑眼圈

甜蜜付出

2008-01-24T05:15:00.000-08:00

爱情，是一种甜蜜的付出。

我承认，我曾经是自私的。我害怕会因为爱情，而失去了我身边的异性朋友。所以我总是躲躲藏藏的，我害怕万一被谁发现了，我该怎么解释？或许是不希望身边的追求者会因为我不是单身了而从此失去了联络。感觉自己会变得很孤单，从前的那些异性朋友会在一夜之间都消失了。曾经迷失，我认为我应该再想清楚一点，或许我们进展得太快了。有或许我还没有做好心理准备，总觉得接受他，是我一时冲动而作的决定。

曾经想过，不如趁感情还没建立的太深，就这样算了，那应该会对彼此都好。我有点后悔，我认为我的决定太仓促了，好像因为我的一个决定，而影响了好多事情。我试着变得很冷淡，试着远离他，试着不去想他，甚至不看他一眼。但是，每当我的思绪出现分开的念头时，我的眼泪就会无法控制的落下来。他从来都不死心，无论我如何不理会，说很多过分的话，任性地用自己的臭脾气去激怒他，他都不会因此而生气，反而担心是他自己做了一些事情惹我不开心。说了一堆的笑话，学小狗、扮小猫，拿起我的手往他自己身上打，就是为了逗我开心，让我原谅他。

常常和自己说好不理他的，却又忍不住因为他的那些举动而感到内疚，也因为他那急得快哭出来的样子而感到心痛。说不上是为什么，就是一种感觉，如果有一天他就这样离开了我，我将失去的会比现在失去的来得更加多。他能够为我付出，那我又为什么不能够为他付出呢？

在爱情里，应该可以说是没有牺牲的，因为爱情的字典里，只有付出。两方面的付出真心，不计较，更不会因为对方的一点小缺点或是因为自己的自私想法而放弃的。就算是身边少了追求者，那又怎样？用一个完整来换取一些缺陷，我相信，这一切都是值得的。

爱情就是一种付出，不求回报的，不计较的，一种甜蜜的付出......

黑眼圈

有种被遗弃的感觉

2008-01-21T02:57:00.000-08:00

阴

又是一个独自呆在家里的下午，每一次放学后，除了大家都在，就是大家都不在。因为又是我一个人。发生了什么事？为什么朋友不想和我说话？我做错些什么了吗？还是我说错了些什么了？难道我真的那么惹人厌吗？

MSN的讯号灯不再闪动时，我知道我又得坐在电脑前发呆了。整个世界对我来说，是那么的安静，空荡荡的，只有我的呼吸声。我又得和寂寞做伴了。刚刚的那场雨下得真大，我不喜欢，因为一个人的雨天比寂寞更加寂寞。脑袋里浮现的，只有和自己对话的对话。

我的午后，也唯有等待夜晚的时候才会变得有意义一些，我没有因为别人的不理睬而感到生气，只是有点伤心。自己笑自己说：“你看吧，朋友都不愿意和你说话了，别人都不理睬你了，你真的好失败！”

真想马上回家，因为妈妈至少不会不理我。也突然想念男朋友那些说不完的话题。真可笑，常常叫他别说太多，但现在好希望他就在我身边说个不停。我不喜欢这种被遗弃的感觉，我想回家。

2008年的1月21日，以为是新的一年，会过得很不一样。但并没有任何改变，我也只好向自己宣布，“我又像从前一样孤单了。”

黑眼圈 =（

与黑暗搏斗的天使

2008-01-19T21:49:00.000-08:00

晴天

原本想静静呆在家里度过我开学的第一个星期六，却被佳雁托出来了。

感到有点安慰，当我以为大家都忘了我的时候，我的好朋友想起了我。

看了场叫作 "Gabriel" 的电影，拍得不怎么样，因为是半夜场，再加上这部戏从头到尾都只有夜晚，所以难免会让我的大脑产生些困意。但是还好，我还知道这部戏的故事内容。常常看戏看了一半就睡着了，很浪费，所以这一次我硬着头皮，睁大眼睛把这部戏看完。男女主角都是天使，男主角真的很帅，而女主角却一般。

这是一个天使与黑暗的战争，因为黑暗剥夺了世界，使得地球变得只有夜晚而没有阳光。天使甚至因为害怕黑暗而向黑暗屈服，投降。最后却一个个的被背叛自己的兄弟杀害。他们的世界是充满亮光的，但他们的内心却是恐惧的。因为恐惧，他们宁愿统治黑暗，让这个世界一直留在黑暗之中。为了光明而奋战的天使，最后的确是胜利了，让光回到了世界，但最后他还是决定离开恐惧。

可见恐惧的力量是何等的大，即使有很高的法力，都还是会因为恐惧而怯步。人类最大的敌人，就是在自己心理所产生的恐惧吧？也唯有自己才能解救自己，只有自己才能成为打败心中黑暗恐惧的天使。

黑眼圈

缺口

2008-01-19T00:03:00.000-08:00

年轻求得圆满
随着岁月走散
忍不住回头看
剩下的只是片段
生命不断转弯
起起落落变成习惯
爱情像是考验
从不承诺永远
这些年像陀螺一样旋转
爱恨都变得无关
过去的风雨留给别人评断
无愧了一切都平淡
是有一点遗憾
幸福没有答案
付出不能计算
谁能够抚平背叛

不必再去感叹
要笑着把眼泪擦干
夜晚是个难关
寂寞需要勇敢
这些年像陀螺一样
爱恨都变得无关
过去的风雨留给别人评断
无愧了一切都平淡
影子不会孤单
手心还有温暖
在心里的缺口
让时间去填满

填得很好的词，加上蔡琴那带着一点沧桑与感慨的歌声，让我非常感动。
生命有太多太多的缺口，就只能让时间来抚平。

过去的爱情，多深多痛，那都已经过去了，无谓再回头看，让过去所有的激情都变成平淡。
他的眼神中，透漏了他这几十年来在爱情里付出的一切。他说他对从前所经历的爱情没有遗憾，但当眉与眉之间的思绪缠在一块儿的时候，他心里的那些疼儿还是在他心中的某个角落作怪。

一根接着一根的闷烟，点了又点，谁知道他这么久以来所隐藏的伤痛是不是真的跟着岁月离去了。平时的我，看到这样子的情形，一定会马上阻止他。但这一次，我没有说太多，因为总觉得只有那些从他嘴里吐出来的烟团才适合他当时的心情，那又薰又重的烟草味才能替他说出他心里的伤感。

感谢他愿意和我这个还没踏出社会的黄毛丫头分享。原本想和他分享我的问题，最后却变成是他和我分享他的问题。爱情这两个字，我真的还没有资格去评论太多，他才是真的寻觅了好久，他才是真的尝试过人聚人散，他才是真的付出过但最后又失去。

人来人往的人生道路上，能找到一个真的适合自己的对象真的不容易。每个人都是一个弧，每个弧的大小都不一样，直到真的找到了那个可以与自己的弧形成一个圆圈的另一个弧，才会是对的。不管年龄，肤色，信仰，甚至身份地位，是你的就是你的，你怎么拒绝都好，他都真的是属于你的那一个弧。磋磨了这么久，青春被蹉跎了，以为已找到了对的弧，才知道一切都只是命运和我们开的玩笑。

愿他最后真的能够找到他的幸福。更希望现在的她，会是属于他的弧。祝福~

黑眼圈：）

Shwu Zhen's

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爸爸的微笑

甜蜜付出

有种被遗弃的感觉

与黑暗搏斗的天使

缺口

我要心灵的快乐